Pushing An Elephant up the Stairs
by pepperlandgirl
Summary: Set in S7-Spike loses his soul. What happens now? S/B
1. Pushing an Elephant Up the Stairs

Title: Pushing an Elephant Up the Stairs  
  
Rating: This chapter is PC-13 for language.  
  
Spoilers: Set after 7.14 First Date.  
  
Response to the following challenge: Set anytime during season seven: Spike is back from Africa with the soul that he fought for and won. Make him lose the soul, however you choose: noble sacrifice, random quirk of fate, trick, whatever. Soulless Spike is back. What happens now? How will this effect his relationships with the Scoobies and with Buffy? The fic should be pro-soulless redemption, although it doesn't necessarily have to have a happy ending. Any ship you choose, any length, any rating.  
  
Distribution: Let me know.  
  
Review please.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"Back from patrolling already?" Buffy asked as Wood entered the kitchen.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"How was it?"  
  
"Same amount of activity as usual."  
  
"Where's Spike?" For the past two weeks everybody capable of fighting went patrolling in teams. Spike took Wood, Xander, and two of the potentials. Buffy took Willow and four potentials. Between the two teams they were keeping the demons under control, but just barely. Buffy knew they were going to have to train harder and work more girls into rotation or they would never be able to keep up. She was thankful for Wood's help though. Every extra body on their side was appreciated.  
  
Wood shrugged. "He said he was going to do one more sweep before he came back."  
  
Buffy nodded, it sounded like something he would do. She knew Spike had been doing his best to avoid the house. He had confessed to her that all of the noise and activity set him on edge.  
  
It was nearly dawn when Buffy noticed that Spike still wasn't back. She normally wouldn't worry about Spike, he was capable of taking care of himself, but the First was still gunning for him. He may not survive being captured again, and she couldn't lose him. Not now, not when the final battle was so close.  
  
She would have to go look for him, but she had no idea where to start. She didn't even know what part of town they were in last night. Of course, if the Bringers captured him again, then he could be anywhere. For a moment she could feel panic well up inside of her, but she quickly squashed it down. Spike would be fine. She repeated this to herself a few more times before she gathered an axe and decided to call Wood. He was the last one who saw Spike.  
  
She spent ten minutes trying to find his phone number. She knew she should program it into her cell, but she didn't have the time. Little things like that had been slipping her mind more and more often these days. As soon as she found the number, she quickly dialed.  
  
"Pick up, pick up, pick up," she muttered as the phone rang on and on. She counted 7 rings before he picked up.  
  
" 'ello?" His voice was raspy.  
  
"Hi, it's me. Did I wake you? Wait, of course I did. I'll be quick. Where was the last place you Spike?"  
  
"Uh, the cemetery."  
  
Buffy sighed, "There are 15 cemeteries in Sunnydale. Can you give me the general area?"  
  
"The one where we killed that nest of vampires three nights ago."  
  
Buffy knew that one quite well. It was one of the oldest cemeteries in Sunnydale and usually very quiet. The nest was unusual and, as a result, ominous. "Thanks. Sorry for waking you."  
  
She didn't wait for his response before she hung up. She only had 45 minutes until the sun came up.  
  
~*~  
  
Spike could feel the heat from the first distant rays of sun long before the sky brightened. He had been walking for the past 5 hours, aimlessly wondering down back allies and quiet side streets. He killed any demons or vampires he came across, but he wasn't looking for them. He was just walking.  
  
He used to walk a lot, back when he was still with the "family." He couldn't stand to be around Angelus and Darla, and they wouldn't let him be with Dru, so after he fed, he walked. Paris was his favorite city to wander through, but London was nice too. He fell out of the habit though when it was just he and Dru. She didn't like to be left alone, and she didn't like to walk when they weren't hunting.  
  
He meandered down these streets and into the dark corners of the night after Buffy died. That was the last time he'd been this depressed. Everything around him seemed bleak and pointless. His existence was over, and now all that was left was to choose how he wanted to go. Did he want to wait for his first sunrise in over a century, or did he want to find Buffy and fight her one last time?  
  
He shook his head. It would be too selfish to make Buffy do it. It would be better for everybody all around if he just disappeared quietly, without any fanfare. They wouldn't want him around anyway. He was far too dangerous. The chip was gone, and now so was the soul.  
  
He didn't know how it happened. He just knew that it was gone now. He was a soulless thing again. Remnants of the guilt remained, flashes and shadows of intolerable pain filled his mind. But that didn't count. He didn't feel any blood lust, or any interest in hunting. As a matter of fact, he just wanted to go back to his cot in the basement and listen to the maddening sound of dozens of heartbeats pounding overhead as he tried to sleep.  
  
But Buffy wouldn't let him come back. Not now that he was unleashed. Not now that he was no longer a man. Just a thing. A thing that killed thousands and thousands of people, including two Slayers. She would be right to stake him.  
  
He recognized in a detached way that this wasn't him. He should be fighting for his life. He should flip them all the finger and go off and do whatever he wanted to do. He missed Paris. He could find Dru again. Or not. He could be the Big Bad again if he wanted. But he shouldn't just give up.  
  
Spike understood this, but he was tired. Tired right to his bones. He felt completely worn, and he just couldn't muster the energy to try again. He had the life of the Big Bad, and honestly, he didn't miss it. There was nothing there for him. And there was nothing for him in Paris or London or New York. The only thing he wanted was in Sunnydale, and he had been fighting for her for so long that he was too wounded to launch another attack. He was persistent, but he was out of ideas.  
  
So he was about to do something he had never, ever done before. Simply give up. Lay down his arms. He had thirty minutes until the sun would sneak over the horizon, and he wondered idly if his final seconds on Earth would hurt as badly as the last two years had. A part of him resisted the thought and desperately tried to turn back to Revello Drive, but that part was tired too.  
  
He vaguely remembered Dawn telling him about Angel and the miracle snow, and that made the thought of waiting for the sun far less appealing. But he already tried once to stake himself and failed, so it would have to be easy, quick, foolproof method. Sure it was a little trite, but there's a reason taking a long walk into the sunrise is a classic. Good ol' Peaches. He got a miracle snowstorm on Christmas of all days. Spike had to roll his eyes at the thought. What a fucking drama queen. Spike figured he'd probably get a hailstorm, with extra lightning. That was how his luck was running lately, anyway.  
  
Twenty-five minutes. Did he really want to die in front of someone's suburban home? No, he still had some dignity. Besides, it wouldn't do to burst into flames in someone's front yard and scare the locals. Though it would be funny. Maybe he should knock on someone's door and give them a good fright. He smiled at the thought. One last hurrah! as the Big Bad. Maybe he'd get lucky and a kid would answer the door.  
  
Twenty-two minutes. He shed his duster. He didn't want to wear it to begin with, but Buffy wanted the Big Bad, didn't she? And whatever Buffy wanted, Buffy got. But Spike didn't want to die in the coat. He dropped it as he walked, unmindful of where it fell.  
  
~*~  
  
Buffy checked her watch. 16 minutes until sunrise. If he was caught somewhere, injured and unprotected, he would be dust. She ran through the streets, her footsteps echoing loudly in her ears. The world was starting to wake up, and people were already stepping outside in their bathrobes to grab their morning newspapers.  
  
Buffy found a few demon carcasses littering the streets and tried to find his trail. It seemed that he spent some time in a quiet residential section. That was her best bet and so she ran up and down the block, searching for black coat and crisp white hair.  
  
She almost had a heart attack two minutes later when she saw his coat discarded in a gutter. Spike wouldn't take off his coat would he? Did somebody steal it from him? Was there a pile of dust under the coat? She tentatively picked it up and breathed a sigh of relief when there were no signs of vampire dust. Jesus, where was he?  
  
She ran on. She knew something was wrong. Spike wouldn't just disappear on her, not now. Her mind came up with several worse case scenarios. What if she lost him again? And what if this time she couldn't find him?  
  
Wait. Was that him?  
  
~*~  
  
Spike was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't hear her coming. No sense in being on his guard this close to daybreak, and besides, he didn't really have a reason to defend himself. As he turned another corner, walking down an ever-brightening street, 90 lbs of Slayer knocked him onto the ground.  
  
"Ooof," Spike groaned.  
  
"What are you doing?" Buffy demanded. "Are you stupid or something? The sun is coming up!"  
  
"I know Buffy."  
  
"So, what are you doing?"  
  
"Let me up, Slayer."  
  
"No, you tell me first."  
  
"Slayer, let me up!"  
  
"Who do you think you are? Do you think you can just run off and not come back? What the hell is wrong with you?"  
  
Spike roared with frustration and flung her off his back, then stood up quickly. She glared at him, a tight bundle of fury and power. "It's gone," he said quietly.  
  
"What? What's gone? What's going on Spike?"  
  
"The soul."  
  
"Your soul is gone? How?" Buffy's voice was rising in pitch. She was scared.  
  
He shrugged, "I don't know, Slayer. It just is. It was inside of me, making me all warm, making me alive, and now it's not there anymore."  
  
"Well how do you know it's gone? Maybe you just can't feel it."  
  
Spike shook his head, "It's gone."  
  
Buffy was reeling with the implications of this. He didn't have his chip either. God, would she have to kill him? She couldn't do it. "You weren't going to tell me, you were just going to leave town?"  
  
"Slayer, look around. I'm in the middle of the bloody town, and the sun will be up in 10 minutes."  
  
"So you're going to." She couldn't even finish the thought. "Why?"  
  
Spike blinked, "Well, so you wouldn't have to."  
  
"You didn't even say goodbye." It was a stupid thing to say, but her heart was in her throat, and she was too shocked to form complete sentences.  
  
"Didn't think it was necessary."  
  
"Not necessary? Not necessary! Spike, you can't just leave me."  
  
Spike smiled sadly. "I can't stay either."  
  
"So you're just going to kill yourself? Jesus, Spike, it's not like you to just give up."  
  
"Don't you see Buffy? It doesn't matter. You've said it yourself. Without the soul I'm just a dead thing. And without the chip, I'm a killing machine, right?"  
  
"I don't know Spike." And she didn't know. If he lived, he would be unchecked forever. Sure he could abstain for killing half the population of California while she was alive, but what happened when she died? What happened if he fell out of love with her? What would she do if she ever had to hunt him down? "I need you."  
  
"No you don't Buffy. You have Wood. He's a good fighter, he can help you. Raised by a watcher even, what more could a Slayer ask for?"  
  
Spike's face was highlighted by the pink sky. She was running out of time. She couldn't let him go through with this. He was different. Her instincts screamed at her to haul him to safety. And honestly, her heart did too.  
  
"You," she answered softly.  
  
He laughed. He actually laughed at her. "Buffy, please. You've never lied to me before, do me a favor and don't start now."  
  
"I'm not lying."  
  
"Right. Look, why don't you toddle on home and tell them that Spike is out of their hair. They'd be thrilled, I'm sure."  
  
Buffy grabbed his arm, "I'm not going home without you."  
  
"You want the honors yourself, Slayer? Fine, go ahead."  
  
She could feel tears in the back of her throat, but she choked them back. She would not cry. "I don't want to kill you Spike, and I don't want you to die."  
  
"Did you not hear me? I don't have a soul, Buffy."  
  
Oh god, oh god, he was standing in the shadows, but a patch of light was only inches from his boot. She was going to lose him. Could there be a world without Spike? Was she willing to beg him for his life, like she begged Angel? She didn't think the Powers that Be would intercede and block the sun, and now the light was nearly touching his boot. He could take one step forward and be gone from her life completely.  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"What?"  
  
She shook her head. "I don't care, Spike. Not anymore."  
  
"So you're saying my soul quest was worthless? Well that's just bloody fantastic."  
  
"No, it wasn't. You proved yourself Spike. You proved yourself over and over, and I'm sorry I didn't see it before, but I do now."  
  
Spike shook his head, "You're a sodding illusion."  
  
"What? No I'm not."  
  
"Yes, you're the First fucking with my mind again. It's not going to work." He lifted his foot and moved to take a step back, and Buffy frantically grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him back into the shade.  
  
"If I was the First, I wouldn't be able to do that."  
  
"What do you want from me Buffy?"  
  
"I want you to go come home with me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Buffy took a deep breath. "Because, with or without a soul, I can't live without you."  
  
Spike could almost smell his hair start to smoke. The back of his neck was itchy, and he felt extremely uncomfortable. All of his instincts were telling him to run. And now, she was standing before him, bathed in early morning light, all soft curves and hard muscle. He started breathing hard, indecision tearing him apart. But what was there to decide? His Slayer had already made his decision.  
  
"What happens if you change your mind?" he asked.  
  
"I won't."  
  
Despite himself and their past, he believed her. "Fine, let's see if we can get out of the sun."  
  
Buffy sighed in relief. "Yeah, let's get you home."  
  
They moved quickly through the shadows, outrunning the deadly rays. Buffy knew they were going to have to deal with all of this, eventually. But she told him before that she trusted him, and she meant it.  
  
TBC 


	2. There is Nothing Up My Sleeve

Chapter 2: There is Nothing Up My Sleeve  
  
As soon as they reached the house, Spike ran downstairs to the basement, desperate to escape the blinding light. He didn't look to see if Buffy followed him down. He figured she probably would.  
  
"How long has it been gone?" Buffy asked quietly.  
  
Spike closed his eyes. He didn't know for sure. But he suspected it happened while the First was holding him. Before he got his chip out. He remained silent.  
  
"How long?" Buffy repeated.  
  
"Since the First had me."  
  
"Did the First remove it?"  
  
"I don't know Buffy."  
  
"But you knew it was gone when I had your chip removed."  
  
"No, I."  
  
"You knew you didn't have a soul when you lost your chip, and you didn't tell me."  
  
"Slayer, listen to me. I didn't know. I just thought there was something wrong with me cause of the torture."  
  
"I let you help me train the girls."  
  
Spike stopped listening to her and started looking for something to throw or break. She talked him into coming home, and now she was riding his ass. He just could not win with the bitch.  
  
"Yes, I helped you train the little brats, and I didn't even take a bite out of any of them. Imagine that."  
  
"Spike, you know what?"  
  
"What? You don't trust me anymore? You never have? You're regretting not letting me fry? What?"  
  
"Well, what am I supposed to think? You let me take the chip out without telling me everything."  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you that I didn't know for sure it was gone until now? Don't you think I would have told you the second I found out?"  
  
"But you didn't! You ran off to kill yourself like a coward."  
  
"Yes, and I'm so sorry I almost missed this."  
  
"I'm going to need some time to deal with this."  
  
"Take as much time as you need, princess."  
  
"Do you want me to bring some blood down?" It was an insincere offer, and Spike knew it.  
  
"Don't bother."  
  
As soon as Buffy disappeared up stairs, Spike collapsed onto his cot, drained. This was a hell of a mess. It was hard enough to deal with Buffy, what would he do when everybody else found out about his non-souled status? Harris and the Watcher would probably try to stake him. And so would Buffy's new friend, Robin Wood.  
  
Spike wasn't stupid. He knew that Wood was after him, waiting for the excuse to stake him. He wasn't very subtle about it. Buffy hadn't noticed the tension between the two men. She was far too happy that they had someone else capable of fighting. Or maybe she did notice the tension and just decided to ignore it.  
  
Wood had held off fighting him because of the soul and Buffy's wishes. As soon as he found out that it was gone, he would have no problems with driving a stake through Spike's heart. Spike found himself wishing, not for the first time, that Slayers were absolutely required to lead solitary lives that didn't involve parents and friends and sisters and children.  
  
He was tired, but he couldn't sleep. He just sat on his cot, wishing for a cigarette, and listening to the household move above him. The girls would be down shortly to start their training exercises for the day. Unless Buffy told them about this morning, than maybe they would just come down and practice staking the vampire.  
  
But it wasn't the girls who came down after Buffy left for work. It was Giles. Spike sighed, this was not going to end well.  
  
"How did you do it?" Giles asked.  
  
"Do what?" Spike asked, confused.  
  
"Trick Buffy into believing you had a soul."  
  
"I didn't trick her into anything, Rupert."  
  
"No, Spike, I think you did. It's not possible for a vampire to get a soul, and now it's suddenly gone?"  
  
"Do you really think I'd do that?"  
  
"Yes, Spike, I really do."  
  
Spike stood up slowly. "You are wrong."  
  
"We don't have proof, except your word Spike, that you ever had a soul. Why should we trust you?"  
  
"Ripper, you don't know what you're talking about. Just because Peaches never tried to get a permanent soul doesn't mean it's not possible."  
  
"Why isn't there a record of it ever happening before?" Giles asked.  
  
"How the hell should I know? It took me 15 minutes and a ¼ tank of gas to find out what to do and where to go. Maybe nobody has been able to afford the 15 minutes before."  
  
"Don't be flip with me, Spike. This is, after all, you're life hanging in the balance."  
  
"Fuck you Ripper. I'm tired, I feel like shit, I've just lost something precious I fought hard for and earned, and the only one who is going to stake me is the Slayer."  
  
Giles pulled a stake out of his jacket. "You forget that we no longer have any reason to keep you alive, or to trust you. There's nothing stopping me from staking you."  
  
As quick as lightning, Spike darted forward, knocked the stake out of the watcher's hand, and pushed him to the floor. Spike knelt beside Giles, and held him down by the throat. "And you forget, Watcher, that I could kill you without trying."  
  
"Are you threatening me?"  
  
"As far as your concerned, I've always been a threat. I left this morning, with the intent of never coming back. But Buffy asked me to stay. Deal with it."  
  
"If you do anything to hurt.."  
  
"Don't even finish a threat you can't back up, watcher. I'm not going to hurt any of them. I'm going to continue to train the girls, and I'm going to help Buffy fight this ultimate Evil, and that's the end of it."  
  
"Is it the end of it, Spike? What happens when you get angry, or hungry? There's nothing to stop what you are."  
  
"What am I? An animal?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Spike had to hand to the watcher, he had balls. Spike could easily snap his neck, but Giles wasn't even sweating. Spike stood up and took a step back to give Giles room to get up. "Buffy treats me like a man."  
  
"Buffy's been wrong in the past."  
  
"Do you have so little faith in your Slayer?"  
  
Giles didn't answer that. He just turned on his heel and went back upstairs. He paused and looked over his shoulder. "I'm taking the girls out today, so their morning training is cancelled. Get some sleep."  
  
When the door closed, Spike admitted to himself that slamming Buffy's Watcher to the floor probably wasn't the best idea. It wasn't the best way to garner trust, but the whole damned Scoobie gang were too used to being able to threaten him and push him around. It wouldn't hurt for them to realize that the rules had changed. Unless, of course, they decided that the change in the rules were too dramatic and they didn't like the game anymore. Then he was dust.  
  
He spent the rest of the morning waiting for Harris or Red to come downstairs next and yell at him or threaten him. He couldn't blame them for being upset or afraid that an unleashed vampire was living in their basement, but damnit, he had changed. He had saved their lives more times than he had tried to kill them, and he chose the soul. Didn't that count for something?  
  
Who did they think they were anyway? Every single member of the Gang had blood on their hands. Harris almost killed Buffy himself, and he never even apologized. And Spike saw Giles kill Ben right in front of him. None of them had the right to cast the first stone.  
  
Spike sighed. None of that mattered to them. They saw the world in terms of souls. Those who had them were good. Those who didn't were bad. He had Angel to thank for that too. He should have killed the poof when he had the chance. That was one thing he'd probably regret for the rest of his life.  
  
Well, one thing among many anyway.  
  
Spike didn't want to venture upstairs to get food, but he was eventually forced too. His body was still healing, and he couldn't afford to skip blood for a day. When the house was silent, and everybody had left for school or work, he finally emerged from the basement.  
  
He found a note attached to his blood. Spike, could you get the axes ready for tonight's training? Thanks. Spike smiled slightly. Whether they liked it or not, he was a part of the team. Buffy needed him. 


	3. A New Planet in the Solar System

Chapter 3: A New Planet in the Solar System  
  
Wood showed up promptly at 8:00, ready to patrol. Buffy appreciated how reliable he was. Lately it seemed he was the only one not driving her crazy with incompetence or demands.  
  
"We're patrolling tonight. Spike is..sick," Buffy informed him.  
  
"I hope he's ok," Wood said, concern in his voice.  
  
"Yeah, he just spent a bit too much time working on his tan today." Buffy finished the lie with a perky smile, and Wood seemed to accept it.  
  
Spike really wasn't patrolling with Wood because Buffy didn't feel comfortable sending regular humans who couldn't defend themselves out with Spike. Maybe it wasn't fair to Spike, but as the Slayer she had to be cautious, overly so. She wasn't going to stake him, but she didn't want him to be out without her either.  
  
"Well, let's get going then."  
  
They walked off, close but not quite touching. Spike watched them go, torn between jealousy and resignation. He could follow them, but it would have to be from a large distance, or else the Slayer would sense them. He decided to take that chance. What would she do? Stake him?  
  
The two were mostly silent on the way to the first cemetery. Spike couldn't hear their few muted exchanges, so he moved slightly closer. He didn't like the way Wood looked at Buffy. Sometimes it was a bizarre combination of lust and disgust, but sometimes it was just old-fashioned hunger. Buffy could take care of herself, but she was beginning to trust the man. And what could Spike do about that? Nothing.  
  
They wandered down the cemetery paths at an easy pace, neither in a big hurry. Spike was growing bored and was tempted to find a fight when they finally started talking.  
  
"So, you and Spike?"  
  
"What about me and Spike?"  
  
"You don't still have feelings for him?"  
  
She shrugged, "I care about him. He's a friend."  
  
"Just a friend?"  
  
"Just a friend," she confirmed, "why do you ask?"  
  
"I was just curious."  
  
Buffy didn't push. Spike wanted to kill somebody.and he would be more than happy to start with Principal Wood. The conversation didn't pick for sometime because they ran into a small group of vampires. If Spike had been fighting with Buffy, they would have taken the lot of them out in under 3 minutes. But Wood was slow and not nearly as skilled, so Buffy ended up doing the majority of the work. Spike sighed; Wood wasn't nearly as helpful as Buffy insisted he was.  
  
"What was Spike like before the soul?" Wood asked after things had calmed down.  
  
"Well, for a long time he was evil and bad. Then he couldn't be bad anymore he was just evil. Then he was only mostly evil. Then he pretty much stopped being evil. Then he got the soul."  
  
"Did Spike ever kill any Slayers?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I just wondered how uh.evil he was."  
  
"Yes," Buffy confirmed, "he killed two. He's..he's really good at what he does."  
  
"Was really good?"  
  
"No, he still is. He's my best fighter."  
  
Once Spike would have been proud to hear her words, but not anymore. He just didn't feel it anymore. He blamed the soul at first, but now he didn't believe that was the case. He just didn't want to be violent. No more bashing and smashing for him, if he could help it. But he couldn't stop because Buffy needed him. Buffy kept him around for his strength and skill.  
  
"Do you wanna sit for a minute," Buffy offered.  
  
"Sure." Wood sat down on a tombstone, and pulled a bag out of his pocket.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Some peanuts. Want one?"  
  
Buffy opened her mouth and he fed her three of them. She chewed and smiled. He smiled back. Spike wasn't interested in seeing or hearing anymore. He turned away and headed towards downtown Sunnydale. Those two were too wrapped up in each other to do any good anyway. He stopped though when it occurred to him that she might decide to tell her newest friend that Spike didn't have a soul.  
  
"So," Buffy asked, "you always live in LA? I grew up there, too."  
  
"No, not always. I lived in New York until my mom was killed."  
  
Spike inhaled sharply. Even from this distance, he could see the wheels turning in Buffy's head. She would figure it out sooner rather than later.  
  
"Oh, I didn't know you lived in New York. Do you remember it at all?"  
  
"A few details. I was really too young to remember much though. Sometimes I forget I lived there at all."  
  
"I always wanted to go to New York. There are so many things I wanted to see."  
  
"Like the museums?"  
  
She laughed, "No, the shopping."  
  
Spike frowned. She never told him about wanting to go to New York. And when was the last time he heard her laugh?  
  
"The shopping is good too. Or so I've heard."  
  
"What are you doing tomorrow night before patrol?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Why don't you come over a few hours early for dinner? The potentials make a mean pot of spaghetti."  
  
"I wouldn't want to impose."  
  
She waved her hand dismissively. "They probably won't even notice you are there. So many people in the house anyway."  
  
Was she asking him out on a date? It certainly didn't sound like she had business on her mind. Spike craved a cigarette at that moment so badly that he would happily kill somebody for it. He wondered if Wood had any cigarettes on him.  
  
They turned around and Spike followed them home, glaring and cursing under his breath. Oh, he hated this man. But Buffy seemed to really like him. Spike knew that he had no right to be jealous, Buffy made it very clear she was not interested in a relationship with him, but he couldn't help it.  
  
"Well, here we are." Wood said when they reached her front door.  
  
Spike rolled his eyes.  
  
"Do you want to come in?" Buffy offered.  
  
"No, I'm good. I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Bright and early."  
  
Spike's heart leapt to his throat when Wood leaned in and kissed Buffy's lips gently, and she didn't pull away. "Goodnight Buffy."  
  
"Goodnight Robin."  
  
Robin? Robin?! Since when did Buffy call him Robin? When Robin turned to leave, Spike got a good look at his face. He was smiling, but there was something sinister about it. Spike had seen that type of smile before. Most recently when Angelus was discussing ways to torture and kill the Slayer.  
  
Spike knew what Wood wanted with him, but what did he want with Buffy? Spike figured he wasn't just using Buffy to get to him, because hey, he lived in the basement. Wood had ample opportunity, more than once, to take him out. Spike vowed to keep his eye on the principal. 


	4. Looking to the Stars

A/N If you want regular updates on any or all of my stories send an email to planetspike-subscribe@yahoogroups.com  
  
Chapter 4: Looking to the Stars  
  
Buffy waited until she was in the safety of her room before she wiped her lips. Kissing Wood was like kissing Xander, or worse, Giles. She shouldn't have let him, but he caught her by surprise. She wouldn't let it happen again.  
  
She knew Spike had been following them that night. Which also met he probably saw the kiss. She should go down and talk to him, explain what exactly was going on. But she didn't know what was going on. On the one hand, she had good reasons to trust Wood. He was after all, a school principal, trusted by the public of Sunnydale to lead and guide their children. But that wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement. They also trusted Snyder.  
  
And of course, Wood was raised by his mother's Watcher, but that may not mean anything either. The only Watcher she trusted was Giles. The rest were controlling, heartless, jerks.  
  
Buffy crawled out of her window and settled herself on the roof. She remembered when she would sit out there and wait for Angel. Was she ever that young? She remembered that she loved Angel, of course, but some nights she couldn't remember why.  
  
She laid back and put her hands behind her head. She sought out the stars, but she couldn't find any. It depressed her that she was over 21 and had never seen a full sky of bright stars. When they lived in L.A. it was virtually impossible, and once they moved to Sunnydale she sought out them out, but the lights from the city were too bright.  
  
She pushed aside thoughts of stars, Angel, and Wood. She needed to concentrate on Spike. The soulless and chipless vampire living in her basement. Her feelings for him were so tumultuous that she couldn't find the right words for them. She had never been a particularly articulate person, and it frightened and bothered her that she couldn't even explain to herself what exactly she was feeling.  
  
Last year, the few times she had been completely honest with herself, she had said the words out loud. I love Spike. But they never seemed to fit. The worlds felt wrong on her lips, and she had no idea why. It seemed the sentiment behind the words was all wrong.  
  
She did regret yelling at him that morning. She would have to apologize for that. It's what she did now, or tried to at any rate. She could hear someone enter the house and figured it was Spike. No time like the present.  
  
When she reached the kitchen, she almost ran right into Giles. "Why are you up so late?" she asked.  
  
"I was waiting for you. We need to talk, Buffy."  
  
"I don't like that tone of voice."  
  
"Yes, well, it's a serious matter. Here, let's sit down." They both perched on the a stool, Buffy leaning against the counter.  
  
"What's up?"  
  
"I don't think it's safe for Spike to be living with us anymore."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because he doesn't have a soul."  
  
"Yeah, and he didn't have a soul before, but you trusted him with Dawn."  
  
"That was a different. He had a chip."  
  
"He wouldn't hurt Dawn, even without a chip."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"Well, he never did, did he?"  
  
"Why do you trust him, Buffy? He's a demon."  
  
"Because he changed."  
  
"Demons can't change."  
  
"You told me once that they could. Just some didn't want to."  
  
"But the First."  
  
"Will leave Spike alone now."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
She shrugged, "It seems the First has a special interest in soulled vampires."  
  
"Or maybe just vampires that are close to you."  
  
"Giles, I understand that you're worried. But he's not your concern. He's mine. And we need him. Even you have to admit that we need him."  
  
He nodded, "I just wish we didn't. Are we going to tell the rest?"  
  
"Not right away."  
  
"Don't you think they deserve to know?"  
  
"Giles, I don't want everybody jumping to conclusions and trying to stake him. Especially."  
  
"Especially who?"  
  
"Can you do some research on Robin Wood for me? Find out who he is exactly? Who is mother is, who raised him, stuff like that." "Yes, Buffy. But why?"  
  
"Something is up with him. I can feel it. But he hasn't been very forthcoming."  
  
"You're date didn't help clear things up?" Giles asked sarcastically.  
  
"No, it didn't."  
  
"I'll get on that then."  
  
"Is Spike downstairs?"  
  
"I really don't know."  
  
"Have a good night, Giles." She disappeared into the darkness of the basement.  
  
Spike was down there. "You still awake?"  
  
"Yeah, Buffy. Creature of the night and all that."  
  
"Do you wanna go for a walk?"  
  
"Can't sleep?"  
  
"I need to talk to you."  
  
"Right then, let's go."  
  
They walked for blocks in silence. Buffy trying to think of what, exactly, she wanted to say. Spike trying to figure out if this was it, if she was going to stake him now. He also wanted to try to broach the subject of Wood, but he didn't know how.  
  
"I'm sorry," she finally blurted.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I'm sorry I yelled at you this morning."  
  
"You're sorry you yelled at me?"  
  
"Yes, I am. Is that so hard to believe?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why is it hard to believe? Am I that bitchy?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Spike, you aren't making this easier. Just accept my apology so we can move on."  
  
"Ok, Slayer, I accept your apology. Now what are we moving on to."  
  
"Wood. I don't trust him."  
  
Spike stopped in his tracks. "You don't trust him?"  
  
"No."  
  
"That's bloody fantastic."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't trust him either."  
  
"That's just because you're jealous."  
  
"No, he's after you."  
  
"He's after you too."  
  
"How did you know that?"  
  
"I'm not completely stupid, Spike."  
  
"I know you're not, Slayer."  
  
"The only thing I can't figure is why he's after you."  
  
"You haven't sussed it out yet?"  
  
"No, what?"  
  
Spike looked up at the sky, trying to put off the inevitable. He noticed that there weren't any stars out. He missed them. As soon as this was over, he'd go out to the desert and count all the stars. Maybe he'd take the Slayer with him. That would be nice.  
  
"I killed his mother." 


	5. Talk is Fine

Chapter 5-Talk is Fine  
  
"What's up, Buff?" Xander asked, as Buffy shut the door behind them. Willow, Kennedy, Xander, Spike, and Giles were all crowded into her bedroom. The only place in the house they would have a bit of privacy. "What's she doing here?" Buffy asked, looking at Kennedy. "Oh, Willow said you were having a Scooby meeting, so I just thought." "That you were a Scooby?" Buffy finished. "Well, yeah." "We're talking about something serious here, you need to go," Buffy informed her. "If it's serious, I want to know about it," Kennedy insisted, looking at Buffy defiantly. "You are on a need to know basis, and you don't need to know." Kennedy turned to Willow, "You want me to stay, don't you?" Willow looked up at Buffy and then back to her young girlfriend. "I think you better go." But Kennedy wasn't ready to give it up. "If it's serious, then it affects me, and I should know about it. I'm not leaving." Buffy sighed and opened the door. "Get out before I throw you out." Kennedy knew when she was beaten, and she huffed out of the room, and slammed the door behind her. Willow looked apologetic. "She just wants to be a part of the group." "I know, but I didn't want her in here right now." "So, what's up?" Buffy stood next to Spike, and crossed her arms. She looked like a bodyguard. Spike shifted uncomfortably. "It's about Spike." Xander looked up, "What about Spike? Is he killing again?" "No," Spike bit out. "We think the First took his soul." Willow and Xander froze in shock, gaping. Giles mildly took off his glasses and began polishing them. "What? How?" Willow finally asked. Buffy shrugged, "We don't know for sure. Spike thinks it happened while the First had him." "But the chip is gone," Xander pointed out, needlessly. "Yes, it is." "So he doesn't have a soul, or a chip?" "I've believed we established that," Giles said. "I can do a curse.." "No," Buffy and Spike said at the same time. Willow looked confused, "Why not?" "With the curse, it's too unreliable. Especially after what happened to Angel." "What happened to Angel?" Spike asked. "Well, that's the second thing I wanted to talk about. Wesley called me this morning. Angel has lost his soul too." "Oh, good lord!" Giles exclaimed. "How?" Buffy shrugged, "Apparently it's a pretty long story. But a shaman gave Angel a fake happy, and bam, the soul is gone. They don't need us yet, but." "Buffy, we can't worry about Angelus on top of everything else," Giles pointed out. "I know, I know. But if he escapes or gets out of control, they will probably need my help. Anyway, my point is, the curse isn't reliable enough right now." "So what do we do?" Willow asked. "We keep looking for ways to fight the First. We keep training the girls. We keep patrolling." "We also keep an eye on Wood," Spike added quietly. "Wood? I thought he was our new best friend," Xander said. "Well, not so much." She glanced at Spike, "You wanna tell them or should I?" "You can if you want." Buffy took a deep breath. "You know that Spike killed two slayers before he came here. One in China during the Boxer Rebellion, and one in New York in 1977. Her name was Nikki. And she apparently had a four year old son." "Wood," Willow breathed. "Exactly." "So Wood wants to stake Spike?" Giles asked. "I wouldn't blame him," Xander mumbled. When Buffy shot him a dirty look, he rushed to defend himself. "Oh, come on Buffy. Spike killed his mother." "I know. But there's something else." "He's after Buffy." "How do you know?" Willow asked. Spike shrugged, "He looks like a predator." "And you would know," Xander said. "Yeah, I would."  
  
"Well, after her how?"  
  
"We don't know," Buffy answered, "that's why we have to keep an eye on him."  
  
Xander glared at Spike, uncertainty in his eyes. Buffy could tell he was biting his tongue. Finally he asked when they planned on telling the potentials and everybody else.  
  
"I don't want to worry them unnecessarily," Buffy said.  
  
"Unnecessarily? How can you say it's unnecessary for them to know that an unleashed killer is in their midst?" Xander demanded.  
  
Buffy sighed, "Ok, I'll tell them. But they're not going to understand."  
  
"We don't even understand," Willow added.  
  
Spike remained silent as they debated the merits and dangers of keeping him around. It enraged him, but he wisely held his tongue. They argued amongst themselves for several moments before Buffy put a stop to it. "He stays. We need him. Deal with it." Then she invited everybody to leave the room. "This is going to be hard for them," Buffy offered in ways of an explanation.  
  
"It's not for you?"  
  
"It's hard for me too," she admitted.  
  
"When all this is over, I'll let Red curse me."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm going to go downstairs and uh.train for a bit."  
  
"You want a sparring partner?"  
  
He smiled, "Sure."  
  
The basement was cramped and neither could really move freely. Buffy was interested to see how much he had changed. He hadn't had a really good fight in months, and that demon of Xander's really did a number on him. He did well enough on patrol, from what she heard, but she knew that he wasn't up to par. Not yet. She kept assuring herself that he just needed some time, but a part of her was doubtful. If he didn't get better soon, they would have serious problems in the future.  
  
Buffy kept a tight rein on herself, afraid of hurting him if she unleashed her power. This frightened her, because she shouldn't have to be afraid of hurting Spike. But he moved slower, and when he did make contact, it barely fazed her. It seemed as though he was moving automatically, without thinking of the fight at all, and broadcasting all of his future moves. She could easily duck and dodge each punch and kick. Finally she called a stop to their session.  
  
"What's wrong, Spike?"  
  
"Nothing. Why?"  
  
"Nothing? You're fighting like one of the girls."  
  
He frowned, "I am not."  
  
"You are too. I could have killed you several times. It's like you aren't even trying."  
  
Spike narrowed his eyes, "You don't know what you are talking about."  
  
"I know exactly what I am talking about. You need to get over this."  
  
"Over what?"  
  
"I don't know, whatever is holding you back."  
  
She turned and went up the stairs. "I'm not holding back!" He yelled after her. She didn't respond. 


	6. Sweetest Dreams of You

Chapter 6—Sweetest Dreams of You

Robin had found more and more difficult to sleep since he started to patrol with Buffy. Dreams and nightmares of his mother plagued him, and he could hear her voice whispering in his ear. When he was awake, in the harsh light of day, he understood that it was the First Evil. But at night, it was much harder to make that distinction. At night, it was easier to believe she was with him again. 

She's betraying us, Robin. She's betraying the entire Slayer line, and with the very monster that killed me. Can you let her do that? Let me show you what he did to me. 

_Suddenly Robin was standing in the middle of an empty subway train. Only, it wasn't completely empty. He could see his mother fighting a vampire. He looked slightly crazed, his eyes sparkling with joy and bloodlust. His mother's own face mirrored the monster's. Robin shivered._

_His mother paused in the fight and looked up, "He's going to kill me and he's going to fuck her. Is that right, Robin?" _

_The scene changed and suddenly he was inside an empty, abandoned house. Spike and Buffy were pounding on each other, flinging each other into the walls, interspersing the fight with conversation. _

_"What's the matter? Fraid I'm gonna…" But Spike didn't finish his question, because Buffy kissed him…brutally. He looked over and saw his mother, "Do you see that little whore? Look at her throw herself at that animal."  _

_You mean he didn't start it? "No, she kissed him first." I don't want to see anymore tonight. _

_"He made love to her with the same hands he used to snap my neck." _

_I know. _

~*~

Buffy tossed and turned all night, her dreams fluidly blending with each other. She struggled to wake up, but she couldn't. It seemed absolutely impossible to open her eyes, and she was trapped in a never-ending cycle of dreams. 

"You shouldn't trust me Slayer."

Why not? 

"Because I'll rip your throat out the first chance I get." He morphed and smiled, and his teeth looked like razor blades. 

No you won't.

"I'll fuck you until you break." 

I'll break you first. Then she jumped him and pressed her lips against his mouth so hard that his fangs sliced her lips and her tongue. Her mouth filled with blood, but she didn't stop. He swallowed the blood as it poured from her mouth.

"I'm gonna kill you," he said against her lips. 

She pulled the zipper down and freed his cock. No you won't. But before she could do anything, the dream morphed and suddenly she was standing in the middle of an empty cemetery. Before her was her mother's grave. To the right of that was a tombstone with Dawn's name, and then Buffy's own grave. 

"He told you he'd kill you." Buffy turned around and saw her mother. "But he lied." 

How?  
  


"He can save you both, but only if you trust him."

I do.

"Then why did you stake him?"

I didn't! I saved him! 

Joyce pointed and Buffy turned around. Suddenly a stake was in her hand, and Spike was staring at her with large, confused blue eyes. "Love you," he muttered before he burst into dust. 

No! No! I didn't kill him! 

"He doesn't need your heart, Buffy. He needs something more precious than that." 

What?  
  


But Joyce was gone, and Buffy was standing in an unfamiliar room. She could hear sounds of a struggle in the next room and smoke filled her lungs. Curious, she moved to the room and saw two people she didn't recognize fighting. Then the vampire looked up and caught her eye and she realized she was looking at Spike. 

He caught the woman, the Slayer, Buffy realized, in his arms and bit into her neck. 

"I asked him to tell my mother I was sorry." A voice said from behind Buffy. "Will he tell your mother he's sorry?"

My mother's dead. 

"My mother died the same night I did." 

I'm sorry. 

"He'll kill your entire family." 

Buffy ignored the dead slayer and walked towards Spike, tilting her head in an invitation.

He ignored her.

~*~

Spike couldn't sleep at all. Even though she was two floors above him, Spike could easily hear Buffy thrashing around, moaning and muttering in her sleep. It sounded like she was having a bad dream. As  a matter of fact, it sounded like they were all having bad dreams. Probably just stress…Spike knew that most of them didn't get much sleep anyway. It would get them killed one day when their senses were dulled from exhaustion. 

"They're dreaming of you."

Spike looked up at Buffy, They are not.

"They are. They know you sit down here and jack off, thinking about how sweet they'd taste."

Spike looked away, trying to ignore her. He knew this wasn't Buffy. He had a lot of experience dealing with the goddamned spook that took her form. 

"Did you ever tell them about how I died, Spike? Do they know you killed me?"

He didn't respond. 

"You should tell them, Spike. They think they can trust you. They don't know you very well though…how you failed me." 

I didn't.

"You didn't save her and I died."

Won't work anymore. This is just a bloody dream. 

"Would you rather dream about the other Slayers you killed? The other lives you ruined? It's a shame Angelus didn't stake you all those times he threatened."

He never could.

Buffy turned into Angelus, "I don't know Spike. You could never take me in a fair fight."

You don't fight fair.

"Neither do you. How long do you think you'll be here, under the watchful eye of the Slayer? She'll kill you first chance she gets."

No.

"She killed me, didn't she? And I had a soul. And she loves me more than she'll ever love you. Do you know why?"

No.

"Because she'll never love you. You should kill her before she has the chance."

You don't get to me anymore.

"I don't need to, Spike. You know the truth. And the truth is, you killed her once, and you'll do it again."

"Spike!" 

Spike turned away from Angelus and looked into Joyce's kind eyes. "Don't listen Spike."

I won't.

"She needs you, and she has something you need."

What?  
  


"You know. Take care of them, Spike." 

I will.

"I know you will." 

Spike took a step towards them, but as he did the world tilted and he fell hard on his back. Standing above him was Buffy, but she wasn't looking at him. She was looking at something beyond him. 

"Are you ok?" She asked without look down.

I'm fine.

"Will you have my back?"

Always. 

"They won't stop coming."

Who?  
  


"All of them. They want to kill you."

You should let them.

"No, I need you."

For what?

"You'll see."

I don't want you to get hurt because of me.

"Everybody always has a choice." 

You should let me go. 

"I love you."

Don't say that.

Buffy flung herself over his prone body, protecting him from the flying arrows and stones. One hit her in the head, and her head instantly began bleeding. The bloody fell from her white skin into his mouth and he tried to pull his head away, but he couldn't escape the red torrent that filled his mouth and coated his throat. It wasn't sweet like he had imagined. 

It was bitter. 

~*~

 Giles was haunted by dreams of Jenny Calendar. He hadn't dreamt of in ages, but her piercing black eyes followed him silently. She didn't look sad or accusing, but she looked imploring. 

Save her. Save her because you couldn't save me. 


	7. Crashing to the Ground

Chapter 7-Crashing to the Ground.  
  
Word spread fast in the Slayer's house, and soon all the potential slayers were atwitter with discussion. They told stories based on fact, but mostly lies. They frightened each other with tales of all the horrible things William the Bloody had done without a soul. They looked to Dawn for confirmation, but she refused to speak. Her eyes were cold and her lips were pressed in a thin, angry line.  
  
"I heard that he threatened to turn Willow, more than once," Vi stated.  
  
Kennedy's head shot up, "He didn't."  
  
"Someone said he attacked her and almost bit her. She would have died if he hadn't knocked him on the head."  
  
"He had a Buffybot built," Andrew announced.  
  
"What's a Buffybot?" Molly asked.  
  
"It's a sex toy."  
  
"Ewwwww," several of the girls chorused.  
  
"He and Buffy had an affair," Rona declared.  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"Can't you tell by the way they look at each other? They slept together before he got his soul."  
  
"That's just.wrong," Kennedy said.  
  
They all nodded their heads in agreement.  
  
"What's he going to do to us now that he doesn't have a soul?" Amanda asked, her voice small.  
  
Nobody answered. Nobody had an answer. Kennedy tried to look brave, but the fact of the matter was that she had been extremely frightened ever since she eavesdropped and heard the discussion.  
  
"Maybe we should try to stake him," she finally suggested.  
  
"Right, Buffy could never do it, but we have a great chance," Rona said.  
  
"Well, if he's asleep."  
  
"Uh, guys, I don't think Buffy would appreciate it if you killed Spike. He's like her right hand man," Andrew explained.  
  
They all fell silent again, deep in their own thoughts. They all looked up though when Principal Wood walked into the room. "Hi," they greeted.  
  
"Hey, why do you guys look so grave?"  
  
"It's Spike," Molly said.  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"I overheard Buffy say that Spike has lost his soul," Kennedy explained.  
  
"What?" He schooled his voice carefully, to sound very concerned and not at all excited.  
  
"I can't believe that Buffy wouldn't tell us," Amanda said.  
  
"Well," Wood reasoned, "I'm sure she would have told you if she thought that he was some sort of danger."  
  
"But she probably doesn't have the best judgment when it comes to Spike."  
  
"Why do you say that?" Wood asked.  
  
"We think they had a.relationship," Vi said.  
  
"That's between Buffy and Spike, I think," Dawn finally said. They all turned and looked at her, surprised to see her there.  
  
"What do you think Dawn?" Wood asked. "Is Spike safe?"  
  
Dawn froze, uncomfortable with being put on the spot. Finally, "Not anymore."  
  
"What do you mean?" Kennedy asked.  
  
"He tried to rape Buffy," she said quietly.  
  
They all froze, unable and unwilling to process what Dawn had told them. Wood's hands clenched in anger, and the girls' faces turned bright red.  
  
"Why would she let someone dangerous like that train us, alone?" Amanda asked.  
  
"She doesn't think he's dangerous now that he a soul," Wood pointed out. "But I guess that's not the case anymore."  
  
"I heard about this in Health Class," Amanda said, "sometimes women who are attacked blame themselves instead of the attacker."  
  
"You think that's what Buffy is doing?" Molly asked.  
  
"Do you have any other explanation for her behavior?" Kennedy demanded.  
  
"Well, you girls are practically slayers. What do your instincts tell you?" Wood asked them.  
  
"They tell me we should remove the possible danger," Kennedy said quietly. The rest of the girls nodded their heads.  
  
"Then I guess you guys better come up with a plan," Wood suggested.  
  
~*~  
  
"How did training go this afternoon?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Didn't," Spike replied.  
  
"What?"  
  
"They never came down. When I went upstairs to find them, all the shades were open. Guess someone wanted to keep me downstairs."  
  
Buffy sighed. "What do I have to do? Stay home and baby-sit them?"  
  
"Nah, teenage girls are allowed to be a bit flakey."  
  
"Not when we have a war to fight, Spike. I'm going to go find out what's up."  
  
"Yeah, go easy on them though. They didn't get much sleep last night."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"The lot of them were having bad dreams."  
  
"They weren't the only ones." Halfway up the stairs, Buffy paused and turned back to face him. "Do you want to bite me?"  
  
"What? No. No."  
  
"Well, why not."  
  
"Why would I want to bite you, Buffy?"  
  
"You're a vampire." She said it as if it was the most simple, obvious answer, and he was a fool for not seeing it.  
  
"I don't feel much line one lately," he confessed. "But even when I did, I never wanted to bite you."  
  
"Not even when you were trying to kill me?"  
  
He smiled sheepishly, "Ok, maybe then."  
  
She headed back to the door, but then paused again. "Do you want to go patrolling with me tonight?"  
  
"Just the two of us?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Sure."  
  
Buffy didn't stop the third time she started for the door. It was time to have a serious discussion with all her little charges.  
  
~*~  
  
Buffy wanted to patrol with Spike alone because she needed to gauge him. She knew he was holding back, but she didn't know why. It was vital that they fix whatever was bothering him, and Buffy figured if they worked on it together, they might be able to solve it.  
  
Spike wasn't getting his ass kicked, by any means. He was holding his own in the various fights, but he was, after all, just fighting vampires. Normal vampires. Buffy very much doubted that when the real battle came, they would be fighting anything as mundane as bloodsuckers.  
  
"You're dropping your shoulder," Buffy commented. "What?" Spike asked.  
  
"Your shoulder. And why don't you vamp out anymore?"  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
She shrugged, "It seems you're a better fighter when you are all Grrr."  
  
"I see," he said coldly.  
  
"Spike, I'm just saying." Her words were cut off by his startled gasp of pain. A large stake protruded from his shoulder. He dropped to his knees to reveal a very angry Kennedy.  
  
"Damn," she muttered, "I missed."  
  
Without thinking, Buffy rushed forward and punched Kennedy as hard as she could in the face. Blood spurted from her broken nose as she fell to the ground. "What is going on?" Buffy demanded, her jaw clenched.  
  
"I'm doing something you never could," Kennedy said, defiantly getting back to her feet.  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
"I'm removing a threat."  
  
Without answering, Buffy turned to Spike and pulled the stake out of his shoulder. He hissed in pain, and she tossed the stake to Kennedy. "You think it's so easy to take Spike out? You can do it in a fair fight. Whatcha think Spike, you up to that?"  
  
"I think so, Slayer." Spike slipped into vamp face and grinned. Kennedy gulped audibly, but squared her shoulders and clutched the stake tight.  
  
The fight was short and Spike pulled his punches. Kennedy and some skill and a bit of natural talent, but nothing that could even touch Spike's. Buffy watched raptly, though she tried to look disinterested. Kennedy could seriously use more training or she would be killed the first time she had to fight without someone watching her back.  
  
"Spike," Buffy finally said softly when it became apparent that Spike was merely toying with the young girl. With a predatory smile he knocked Kennedy down repeatedly, but instead of moving in to finish it, he would give her enough time to stand up and gather her wits before he charged again.  
  
Spike acknowledged Buffy with a slight nod, and grabbed Kennedy's hair, pulling her hair back and exposing her young neck. He bit into it, careful to avoid the jugular, and swallowed a mouthful of blood before he let her go. Her heart was pounding with fear, and it was rolling off of her in heady waves. She knew that he could drain the life out of her, and for a moment, Spike was tempted to. They could use the little bint as an example of why a person shouldn't piss off a powerful vampire. But he let her go, dropping her carelessly to the ground.  
  
She fell, bonelessly, fear and relief paralyzing her. Buffy looked at her with a blank expression, offering neither help nor condolences. "Who is next?" She called into the shadows, and several more girls appeared. All of them carrying stakes and weapons that shook with the strength of their fear.  
  
"Does anybody want to tell me what this is about?" Buffy invited. Behind her, Spike wiped the blood from his mouth and shifted back to his human guise.  
  
"We know that Spike doesn't have a soul," Amanda offered, "Kennedy told us."  
  
"Right, and how did she know?"  
  
"She overheard you."  
  
"Eavesdropped, you mean."  
  
Buffy turned her attention to the raven-haired girl still on the ground. "Are you ok?"  
  
Kennedy nodded, but made no move to stand up. Buffy looked at the rest of the girls. "So you don't trust me?"  
  
"We trust you," Molly said.  
  
"But you don't trust my judgment. Listen to me, and listen close. I am the only thing standing in between you and horrible, black death. There are Bringers in this cemetery right now, waiting for the right minute to take you out. But you don't know that because you can't sense them like we can," she indicated herself and Spike. "If you aren't going to trust me, then you can leave right now. Go out and greet them yourselves."  
  
Nobody made a move.  
  
"Spike is working hard on keeping you alive. So am I. And this is how you repay us? Go home. All of you."  
  
"When are you coming home?" Vi asked meekly.  
  
"When I've slayed half the demon population of Sunnydale. Come on Spike." Then she turned on her heel and left the girls to fend for themselves.  
  
~*~  
  
"She let him bite me," Kennedy wailed as Willow covered the small wound with a band-aid. "And she broke my nose."  
  
"The doctor said your nose will be fine," Willow assured her.  
  
"What about the bite? Am I going to turn into a vampire now?"  
  
Willow rolled her eyes, "Of course not."  
  
"Why aren't you upset and sending lightning bolts his way? He bit me."  
  
"Well, maybe you shouldn't have tried to fight him. What did you think was going to happen?"  
  
"I thought I could take him. I have been training for ten years now," Kennedy said arrogantly.  
  
"Kennedy, Spike killed two slayers. He's known as William the Bloody for a reason.and come to think of it, he's known as Spike for a reason."  
  
"That doesn't explain why you aren't upset that Buffy let him bite me."  
  
"You probably needed to learn a lesson."  
  
"No, she needs to learn a lesson. We have a raping, murdering monster in this house and."  
  
"Silence!"  
  
Kennedy's mouth immediately clamped shut.  
  
"You need to understand right now that you need to trust Buffy with your life. She's been averting apocalypses and fighting hell gods and master vampires and Frankenstein monsters for the past seven years. She will not let anything cloud her judgment and she will not let anything hurt us."  
  
"But how can you know that?" Kennedy demanded.  
  
"We're still here, aren't we?"  
  
"I still don't trust the vampire," the potential said coldly. 


	8. I Wish That You Could See

Chapter 8—I Wish That You Could See

Spike wisely stayed out of the Slayer's way, as she tore through across Sunnydale, cemetery by cemetery. She stalked through the graves with cold calculation, working over each vampire thoroughly before staking him. She ignored Spike, who did his best to watch her back without pissing her off more. 

Finally she collapsed against a tree, exhausted. Spike tentatively sat down next to her and waited for her to speak. His shoulder ached, and he felt a little hurt too. He thought that he was starting to form some sort of relationship with the little potentials. He thought that they trusted him, even just a little. Apparently, he thought wrong. 

"I am so angry," Buffy finally said through her teeth.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not angry at you," she sighed. "You know that."

"Buffy, I'm tearing your group apart, I can see that. We'll never win if…"

"No. You're wrong."

"What?"

"I figured it out." 

"What did you figure out, Slayer?"

"The First wants us separated. Which means together we can defeat it." 

"You think so?"

"Do you have a better explanation?"

"Maybe I should have stayed in Africa." He stood up and turned to leave. 

"Where you going?" She demanded. 

"Gotta find a place to sleep before sunup, don't I?" 

"No, I mean, aren't you going to come home with me?"

"Buffy, I can't stay there. They'll stake me in my sleep."

"Then you can sleep in my room," she suggested. 

Spike chose not to make any sort of innuendo. Instead, he politely, but firmly, refused. "Fuck no." 

She rolled her eyes, "Spike, I'm not letting you out of my sight. What if the Bringers find you?" 

"Buffy, this may come as a bit of surprise to you, but I'm not your little puppy dog. You can't just tell me when I'm coming and going." 

"That's not what I'm doing Spike. God! Why are you so fucking stubborn?" She jumped to her feet and glared at him. 

"Why are you so fucking bossy?" 

"I'm not bossy! I'm just trying to keep you alive," she exclaimed. 

"I've been doing a pretty good job of doing that myself for the past 123 years, Slayer." 

They were standing close together now, their nostrils flaring. Buffy was enraptured with his the sight of his lips. They looked so soft. How long had it been? Far too long. Suddenly her anger was gone and all she could think of was licking his soft lips. She was far too aware of his proximity, and her fingers itched to touch him, trace the line of his jaw, run through his hair. He was staring back at her, but she couldn't read him. Honestly, she wasn't paying too much attention to his eyes. She was busy looking at other parts of him. 

As a result, she missed the flash of fear in disgust in his eyes when she leaned against him and touched her lips to his. He backed up quickly and pushed her away. "What are you doing?" 

She looked at him, shock plainly written on her face. "I…Nothing, I guess."

"Buffy, you can't do that." 

"What?"

"Please, just…I don't want you to do that."

"You don't want me?"

Spike closed his eyes, "Look, if it means so much to you, I'll come back with you, but you can't do that again."  
  


"Um, ok Spike."

They walked back to the house in silence.

~*~

Willow knocked the door tentatively. "Come in," Buffy called. 

When Willow opened the door, she was greeted with the sight of Spike ignoring Buffy and Buffy glaring at Spike's back. "Oh, there you are," she chirped.

"Here I am," Buffy replied.

"No, I mean Spike." 

"What? You coming after me for biting your bird?" 

"No, can I…um, talk to Buffy for a minute?"

"Sure, I'll clear out." 

Willow closed the door behind Spike, then turned her attention back to Buffy. "Are you going to yell at me too?" Buffy asked.

"No, I didn't come in here to kill Spike or yell at you. But Kennedy did tell me what happened tonight. Did she really try to kill Spike?"

"Yes, and he won't let me look at the wound." 

"Buffy, you know I back you up 100%, right?" 

"I know."

"It's just…I know everybody is upset about Spike, but I trust you. If you say he's good, then he's good."

  
Buffy reached over and hugged her. "Thanks Will."

"And I'll talk to Kennedy. I think she just feels left out."

"Willow, she's going to feel dead if she pulls that kind of stunt again."

"I'll talk to her," Willow promised again. "In the meantime, what's Spike doing up here?"

"Well, since I can't trust anybody in this house, apparently, he's going to bunk up here," Buffy explained. "Don't worry though, solely in the platonic sense."

"Which you don't exactly want," Willow guessed.

"Am I that obvious?"  
  


Willow shrugged, "A little. You've been making googley eyes at him."

"Willow! I have not," the slayer protested, then smiled slightly. "Well, maybe a little. But it doesn't matter."

"Why?"  
  


"He doesn't have a soul," Buffy offered. 

"I don't think that excuse washes anymore," Willow said. "After all, he sought it out. You told me yourself that you saw him change." 

"Well, we all did, didn't we?"  
  


"Yeah, so what's wrong?"

"He…well, he…there's something wrong with him."

"What?"

"I don't know. It's like he used to be so self-assured and now…now he's not. And tonight when I tried to kiss him," Buffy paused so that Willow could interrupt but Willow didn't make a sound, "he pushed me away and told me not to do that again." 

"Buffy, do you want to start something serious with Spike?"

"I don't know."

"Buffy, stop being avoid-o girl."  
  


"He's really important to me," she confessed softly. 

"He might be afraid of hurting you," Willow suggested. "It's hard. It's hard to trust yourself again when you've done something…."

"It's ok, Will, I understand."

"Do you, Buffy?" The look on Willow's face indicated that Buffy had never done anything as degrading or horrible as what Willow herself was guilty of…or what Spike was guilty of. 

"I think I do. I've done some things I never believed I was capable of." 

"Give him some time Buffy." 

Willow got up to leave but Buffy grabbed her hand. "Willow, he came back." 

Willow embraced Buffy, so very happy to have this moment with her best friend. She knew they were growing apart, but at the end of the day that bond was still there. "I know he did." 

Spike came back in the room several minutes after Willow left. Buffy had made a bed for him on the floor with a blanket and a few pillows. She absolutely hated putting him on the floor, but she knew he would have no interest sharing a bed with her, no matter how innocent.

He nodded at her and without a word settled on the floor. Buffy turned off the lamp and tried to get comfortable in the bed, but she couldn't. It seemed being with Spike in her bedroom unleashed every single hormone she had, and she felt like she was on fire. The fact that Spike had to know what she was going through embarrassed her profusely. 

Buffy lay stiffly on the bed, willing her body to stop betraying her. She strained her ears, but Spike didn't move or make a sound. She crossed and uncrossed her legs, then tossed and turned on the bed for several minutes looking for a comfortable position. She rolled onto her stomach and tried to touch herself to relieve some of the tension, but it only made it worse. 

"You gonna go to sleep some time tonight?" Spike asked, his deep voice rolling through the dark room and sending a shiver down her spine. 

"Yes," she replied primly.

"Having trouble up there?"  
  


"No, I'm good. Thanks."

The minutes ticked on. Buffy finally decided that a little fantasizing couldn't hurt. Maybe it would make it better. She closed her eyes and pictured Spike crawling into bed with her, deftly removing her top, sliding her panties past her thighs, caressing her nipples while he nibbled a bit on her neck, slowly moving his hands down her body and touching her throbbing…

She nearly growled. Ok, that was a _really_ bad idea. Like, the worse idea she ever had, and that was saying a lot. 

"Slayer?"

"Yes?" Did her voice sound funny to him? It sounded funny to her. A little high and breathy. 

"Should I find another room to sleep?" 

"No, no, you can stay." 

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. 

"Spike?"

"Hmmm?"

"Do you hate me?"

"No."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"Making you uncomfortable earlier. I didn't mean to…fuck, it seems I've really been putting my foot in it lately."

"What? No, Buffy, you're fine." 

"Spike, can you tell me what's wrong?"

"Why are you so certain that something is wrong?" 

"Because," she said slowly, "I know you."

"What have I done, Buffy?"

"What do you mean?"

"That's the problem. It's all I can think about. _What have I done?_ It changes a man, Buffy. This…this self-awareness." 

"Can I help?" 

"You've already done more than enough for me, luv." 

Buffy didn't know what to say to that. The conversation had helped cool her boiling blood, and she was able to relax and close her eyes. When she opened them again, Spike was standing over her bed. Only, it wasn't Spike. 

"There's a killer in your room, pet."

_Who?_

_"Why me, of course."_

_Not anymore._

_"No, not anymore. You have something he needs though."_

_That's what my mother said._

_"She wasn't lying." _

_What can I do?_

_"You're doing it."  Spike sat on the edge of the bed and idly caressed her leg. _

_You can touch me?_

_"I'm not the First, luv. Just a dream."_

_How do I know you aren't the First just trying to trick me?_

_He smiled, "You know. Have faith…"_

Buffy woke with a start, sitting straight up in her bed. "Spike, are you awake?"

His voice was gruff, "I am now." 

"Do you know why I asked you to stay?"

"You need me for the fight?"

"Yeah, but you are potentially very dangerous, and yet here you are in my room. Everybody's freaking out over that, but you seem to accept it."

"So?"

"You don't have any faith in yourself anymore. You don't trust yourself."

"Buffy, I have no reason to trust myself." 

"I trust you." 

"I know."

"Do you? I wish you could see you the way I see you…"

"The monster that attacked you?" He bit out, harshly.

"No, Spike. I don't see you that way. Come up here with me," she invited.

"I can't Buffy."

"We won't do anything, but I'm trying to prove a point here."

"You don't need to do that."

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

The lure of Buffy's warm body was too much for Spike to withstand, so he crawled into bed with her. She curled against him and yawned. His heart melted. "I love you," he whispered.

"I know you do, Spike. I know you do." 

He waited for her to add a condition to that, to throw it back in his face, to tell him he couldn't love. But he waited in vain. She fell asleep, warm and comfortable against him. Spike felt something shift inside of him, and a vital piece of himself locked back into place. He knew, _knew_, that he would never hurt this beautiful woman again.  Maybe things could be made right after all. 

He could allow himself to hope as the night stretched into dawn, and the Slayer slept peacefully next to him.


	9. All The Sights That I Have Seen

Chapter 9—All The Sights That I Have Seen

Spike didn't get any sleep. He was too busy watching the Slayer. He had never seen anything more beautiful than her. She was pure poetry, no matter what she was doing. Sleeping, fighting, fucking, laughing, it didn't matter. He wanted to protect her even as he thrilled with the power of her small body. She had so much strength tied up in her seemingly fragile body, emotional and physical. Did she even know her own strength? 

Buffy finally stirred as the rest of the house woke up, and the first thing she did was smile at him. "You didn't sleep at all, did you?"

"No," he admitted. 

"I guess you can catch some sleep while I'm at work." 

"Not going to train the girls today?"

"You think they'll want you to after last night?" Buffy asked. 

Spike shrugged, "If we're going to make sure they know who is the boss around here, we can't let them control the training schedule."

"You sure you're up to it?"

He nodded, "No problem." 

"Great, I'll go downstairs and let them know you expect them in the basement in an hour." 

"Sounds like a plan."

They smiled at each other, briefly. They were partners now. Spike was the second-in-command. Everybody else had better get used to that fact. 

When Buffy finally made it to the kitchen, they were all sitting around eating breakfast silently. They carefully avoided her gaze as she moved around, getting her own breakfast and making a quick shopping list. The silence was tense and uncomfortable, but Buffy let it linger as long as possible. She wanted to make sure that she had their attention. 

When she finally spoke, they all jumped. "What you guys did last night was unacceptable." 

"We were just doing our sacred duties," Kennedy said bitterly, fingering the bandage on her neck. 

"No, you were not. You do not have a sacred duty. You may train like a Slayer, but you guys are not slayers. I am." 

"And that makes you the boss?" Kennedy demanded. 

"Yes," Buffy answered, "it does. That and the fact that I have stopped numerous apocalypses, and killed more demons and vampires than you could possibly imagine. I not only have the sacred birthright, I have the fundamental knowledge and experience all of you lack. And what I lack in experience, Spike more than makes up for." 

Buffy crossed her arms and studied her small army of teenage girls. "Consider this an army. I am the General and Spike _is_ my second in command. You _will_ listen to him, and you _will_ respect him. What he can show you will save your lives one day."

"But he's evil," Kennedy protested. 

"Is that right? You do know your girlfriend tried to destroy the world last Spring. She wanted to _kill_ all of you. Is Willow evil?" Buffy didn't wait for an answer. "You girls cannot possibly imagine what we've all been through, what we've all seen and done. Maybe when you've been through half the shit we've experienced, you can tell me about good and evil." 

Buffy paused and waited for the next round of protests, but nobody said anything. "Good, Spike expects to see you in the basement in an hour." 

With that, she left, dragging Dawn behind her. All the girls looked at each other with wide, frightened eyes. She was going to leave them alone with _Spike?_ The unsouled vampire they just tried to kill? Everybody was frightened over the prospect, but nobody would admit it. Even Kennedy was sweating. 

Less than an hour later, they were all waiting impatiently in the basement, eager to get the training started. The faster they started, the sooner it would be over, and they could make their escape. Kennedy wasn't going to show up at all, but Willow made it extremely clear that she didn't have a choice. 

"Hey girls," Spike greeted casually as he sauntered down the stairs. "Ready to start?"

Nobody responded. 

"Is that a no? That's ok, we don't have to start right away." Spike sat on the bottom stair, resting his chin in his hand, and observing them carefully. "Just let me know." 

"Why are you just sitting there?" Kennedy asked, annoyed. "I thought you were going to train with us." 

Spike shrugged, "Not if you're not ready." 

"Well, we're ready," Kennedy insisted. 

"Great," Spike said, jumping to his feet. "We'll start with you." Before Kennedy could move, Spike had her against his body, her head back, neck exposed, and his fangs bared. "You're too slow little girl." 

She struggled against him, "I'm not a little girl." He only clutched her tighter as her struggles increased. 

"Prove it." 

Kennedy simultaneously kicked his shin and tried to head butt him in the face. She missed both times, and Spike flipped her onto the ground. She landed with an "umph" that forced the air out of her lungs. She laid there gasping and Spike grinned at the rest of the frightened girls. 

"Ladies, I can spend the all day today, and everyday from now on down here training you, teaching you how to fight, but it won't do any good if you're not on your guard." 

"We're not supposed to be on our guard with you. That's what Buffy said," Rona protested. 

"No, you should always be on your guard. Every second of every day. All it takes is one vampire one time to catch you when you aren't paying attention, and he'll have himself a real good day." 

"Is that what happened when you killed the Slayers?" Vi asked.

"No, they saw me coming. I just got the upper-hand. It happens. Right, Rona, you're up next." 

Spike put each girl through her paces in turn. They worked on hand-to-hand combat and with weapons. Spike wasn't gentle with the girls, but he was careful not to hurt any of them. He could sense how nervous they were, especially since several times they were extremely vulnerable to him, but he was careful to never make them feel threatened. 

The morning passed quickly, and the girls were so involved mentally with their physical exercises that they didn't even realize that lunchtime passed, and the hours of the afternoon passed quickly. The fights and exercises became fun, and all the girls found themselves enjoying their time with Spike. 

"Are you guys still down here?" Buffy exclaimed, catching them all off guard. 

"Why are you home so early?" Kennedy asked.

"It's past four. You guys have been down here all day." 

Spike blinked, "Really? I guess we lost track of time." He looked at the girls gathered around him, "Go on and get something to eat and some rest. You guys worked hard enough for the day." 

They all trooped up the stairs pass Buffy, and she watched them go with a small, amused smile. "I take it things went well?"

"Yeah, it was a bit bumpy at first, but we got used to each other."

"How are they?"  
  


"They keep practicing this hard, they'll be in fighting shape soon enough. Though it wouldn't hurt if I had more help." 

"Well, I talked to Wood today and he agreed to cut my hours without cutting my pay." 

Spike looked skeptical, "Why?"

"He said he wants to help me."

"Or he wants to have something to hold over you." 

"Spike, I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. What is a gift horse anyway?" 

Spike ignored her question and began gathering up the weapons. Buffy watched him for a few moments, then started to help. "If you want, I can finish up here and you can go get a nap." 

Spike shook his head, "I'm fine, pet." 

"You just look tired," she said gently, putting her hand out to touch his face. 

He caught it and pulled her closer, "And you look beautiful." 

Instead of rolling her eyes like he expected, she smiled. "See, now I know you're exhausted." 

"Yeah, why don't you go upstairs," Wood said from the bottom step, "I'll stay here and help Buffy." 

Spike grimaced and took a step back from her. "What are you doing here?" He asked. "Don't you have a family or something?" 

"I thought I'd help train before we went out on patrol," Wood answered calmly. 

"Well, we're done training for the day, so toddle back upstairs."

Buffy frowned; she hadn't seen Spike act so confrontational since before…well, before he got his soul. Wood also seemed taken aback by Spike's bluntness, but then, he had never known the old, snarky Spike. He looked at Buffy for help. "I thought they couldn't train without you." 

"Spike trained them today," Buffy answered. "And he really worked them hard." 

"And you trusted him? Even after what happened last night?"

Buffy's frown deepened, "How do you know what happened last night?" 

"Probably set the girls after me, didn't you? Couldn't do your own dirty work." 

Wood ignored him, keeping his attention tightly focused on Buffy, but it was obvious Spike's words met their mark. "You trust this monster after he…"

"What?" Spike interrupted. "Killed your mum."   
  
Both Wood and Buffy gasped, neither expecting Spike to put it so bluntly. 

"You think I didn't remember, _Robin_. You think I didn't remember the sniveling little brat who cowered behind the park bench in the rain? Oh no, I remember you quite well." 

Wood's hands clenched into tight fists and he took a step forward, "Why you sonofa—"

Buffy put a hand on Wood's chest, stopping him from getting any closer to Spike. "Stop. Right now. Both of you. Now is not the time for this, we don't have time for this." 

"I won't need much time," Wood said menacingly, his face and eyes hard. 

Spike rolled his eyes and turned back to the weapons. "Right. Go upstairs with the rest of the ladies." 

Wood lunged for the vampire, but Buffy stopped him. "I don't think you want to get in a fight with him, Robin." 

"Yes, I do." 

"No. You don't," Buffy insisted. "Now go on up and cool off. I'll be up later." 

This time he didn't argue with her, just turned his back with disgust and stomped up the stairs. 

"Why did you do that?" Buffy asked quietly.

"Because I wanted him to know that I'm tired of his games." 

"What games?" 

"You don't think he had anything to do with last night's fun and games? He's been lurking around her, congratulating himself on how clever he is."

"We need his help," Buffy pointed out.

"No we don't. We've survived just fine without him before." 

"We weren't fighting the First Evil before!" 

"Buffy, if he wants to help us, fine. But I'm not going out of my way to make him feel better about plotting to kill me." 

"Right, you're right. But this won't be the end of it." 

"I know."

"He's going to want to fight you." 

"Let him." 

"Spike?"  
  


He looked at her. "Yeah?" 

She hoped her eyes conveyed the words that she couldn't say. _Don't kill him, Spike._ He must have understood because he nodded.


	10. Breaking Through

Chapter 10—Breaking Through

That night, the patrol was tense with silence. Wood refused to leave, and the testosterone was thick enough to cut through. Spike, for his part, ignored Wood completely. He focused all of his attention on the girls, watching them critically and giving them hints and pointers. 

  
Buffy was surprised they were running across any vampires or demons at all. She had never patrolled with this many people before. Spike, Wood, the potentials, Dawn, even Xander and Giles joined them. She got the impression that Xander and Giles were there so they could watch Spike. 

Only a few vampires dared their huge party, and Buffy sighed in frustration. She needed to get these girls some field time, but there was nothing to fight. 

"Spike?"   
  


"Yeah?"

"Do you know of any nests or anything? We're scaring away all the baddies." 

Spike paused to think. "Sorry Slayer, I'm drawing a blank. It's been a long time."  
  


"Nothing? You've got to have _something_." 

"Well, there is a Ssojkcuf nest in the woods, but I don't know if you want to take the girls there."

"Why?"

"They're really vicious, and large." 

Buffy took stock of their numbers and weapons. Everybody was armed with at least two weapons—long range and short range—and everybody could take care of themselves in a battle, Buffy was confident of that. "Let's do it."

"Are you sure, Slayer?"

"Yeah, strength in numbers and all that." 

Spike shrugged, "Right. Let's go." 

The large crowd trailed after Buffy like ducklings after their mother. Nobody voiced an objection when she allowed Spike to lead them deep into the woods, all of them were eager for a fight. Especially Wood. He had a plan that had only been a vague idea before the events of the afternoon, but was now concrete. 

"Here we are," Spike announced. He held up his hand to silence everybody, and they all strained to hear the demons moving around their cave. 

"Sounds like maybe three," Buffy said. "The rest must be out." 

Spike nodded, "If we can take these three out before the rest gets back, we'll be ok. But if we don't…"

"Then what?" Kennedy demanded.

"I hope y'all can run really fast," he answered, only half joking. "Wait for our signal." 

Buffy and Spike moved into the cave together, acting as a well-practiced  team. After getting an idea of the layout of the cave, Buffy waved the rest of them in. They crowded into the mouth of the cave, and then waited for the fight to begin. 

Buffy counted to three, then they attacked. They had the upper-hand at first because the demons weren't expecting them, but soon they lost that advantage. The demons were much stronger than any of them expected, and much larger than Spike remembered. 

  
Buffy and Spike were doing fine against the beasts, holding their own and getting more than one powerful hit in. But the rest were overwhelmed. Even Giles had a tough time avoiding the large, bone spiked fists. Wood saw his window of opportunity shrink, and then close completely. He was too busy keeping his own head on to go after Spike's. 

Spike killed his demon first, just in time to see the third galloping towards Wood and Kennedy. They stood side by side, both of them helpless with shock. It seemed like they couldn't move at all, couldn't raise their weapons to defend themselves. With a roar, Spike launched himself at the demon, the duster flying behind him, his face showing the visage of the vampire. 

Wood and Kennedy ducked at the same that Spike landed on the Ssojkcuf's back and grabbed it by its curled horns. He pulled its head back until he heard the satisfying sound of the neck snapping. Spike jumped off its back as it crumpled to the ground. 

"Next time a large demon is charging you, either run or fight. If you duck like that, you'll die. And I won't always be here to protect your ass," Spike said, before turning around to check on Buffy. 

"We need to take him down," Wood said darkly. 

Kennedy surprised him by asking why. 

"What do you mean, why? Look at your neck?" 

Kennedy shrugged, "I attacked him. It's not like he wasn't going to fight back."

Wood stared at her, shocked and confused. He thought of all the people living in the Summers' house, Kennedy would be his most likely ally. "What? All of a sudden the fact that he's a monster doesn't bother you anymore?" 

Kennedy looked at him. "He can take me without trying, Wood. He can kill me in his sleep. I'm not fighting anymore."

"That's exactly why you should help me," Wood urged. "Because he'll kill you in your sleep." 

Kennedy rolled her eyes and walked away, leaving the Principal alone with his thoughts and rage. 

"Everybody out of the cave!" Buffy shouted when she was sure all three demons were really dead. 

They all trooped out, and Buffy herded them out of the forest. When they had gone a safe distance, she gathered them around her and asked what the fight was like, and what had gone wrong. 

"It was stronger than us," Rona protested.

"And bigger," added Vi. 

"And rather fast," Giles finished, wiping his glasses. 

"Yeah," Buffy said, "You'll find most demons are all of these things. But y'all knew that, so what happened?" 

"We froze," Kennedy offered. 

"Spike got in the way," Wood said coldly. 

Spike rolled his eyes. "If by getting in the way you mean I saved your pathetic ass, then yeah, I guess I did."  
  


Everybody's eyes widened slightly, surprised to hear Spike respond like that. Everybody but Buffy and Wood, that is. 

"I would have been fine."

"Yeah, and while you were ducking and cowering, Kennedy was left to fight the demon herself. If you're going to be a worthless waste of space, why do you even come with us?"

"Spike, that's enough," Buffy said quietly. She knew his words were calculated to get a response from Wood, and Spike wasn't disappointed. Wood lunged for him, and this time, his fist connected with Spike's face. Wood took a step back, waiting for Spike's reaction, expecting anger. 

Instead, Spike smiled. "That wasn't very nice, ducks." 

Buffy was tempted to ask him, again, to stop, but she held her tongue. She understood that Spike would have to make his own decisions, especially now that his soul was gone. She claimed that she trusted him, and now it was time to show it. 

The two men squared off, and they all realized that Wood had been spoiling for a fight for a long time. None of them stepped forward to stop it, not even Giles. 

"Buffy," Xander said quietly, "don't you think we should…"

She shook her head. "He's got to do this." 

"But he'll kill him."

"No, I don't think he will." 

Xander shut his mouth, but clutched the stake in his hand. 

Spike watched Wood through half-closed his eyes. His posture was casual, and he didn't look like he was about to fight. Wood, on the other hand, was tense. His hands were clutched in fists, his face twisted in fury. He had an air of arrogance around him that made Buffy wince. She knew that Spike would hurt his pride more than his body. 

Wood threw the first punch, and Spike easily dodged it, but he didn't hit back. He danced around Wood, always just out of reach as he continued to swing. Spike's only moves were to block. At first, this worried Buffy. Maybe just because he was snarky again didn't mean he was ready to fight. But she quickly realized that was his strategy. 

Spike even allowed Wood to land a few punches, but Buffy knew they were like fearther light caresses next to what Spike was used to. Buffy hit him harder herself when they were just sparring. Spike waited patiently until Wood wore himself out, and then did something that nobody saw coming. 

He walked away. 

"I'm going to get some cigs and a drink," he called over his shoulder. "Don't wait up." 

Wood stared at the retreated vampire; anger and shame clear on his face. Nobody said anything, just turned and headed for home. 

"Giles," Buffy called, "make sure everybody gets home ok."

"Where are you going?" 

"To get some cigs and a drink," she muttered and then hurried after Spike. She caught up to him quicker than she thought she would. He was just leaning against a tree, as though he was waiting for her. 

"Thought you were going after some cigarettes."

Spike shrugged, "Eh, just wanted to leave an impression." 

"What was that all about?"  
  


"I'm not going to give that ponce the satisfaction of fighting back. He just wants me to hit him so that he can be all noble and true when he dusts me."

"Well, I'm glad you didn't, you know, hit him." 

"He's not going to give up on this," Spike said. "We're going to have to fight eventually, and I don't know if I…" 

"Hey," she interrupted him, cupping his face gently, "I trust you to do the right thing." 

"What if I don't know what that is?" Spike asked. 

"You do," she assured him. 

"Even without my soul?" 

"Even without your soul," she confirmed. 

Spike turned his head until his mouth was touching her hand and kissed it gently. "Do you mind if I do that?"

"No," she whispered. 

He grasped her hand and placed several small kisses on the palm and the wrist. "Or that?"

She shook her head.

"Mmm, I love the way you taste," he muttered, "the way you smell." 

The feel of his lips, the sound of his voice, hypnotized her. It occurred to her that she should pull away, that maybe she shouldn't encourage him, but she _really_ didn't want to stop him. 

Spike pulled her against his body, and she looked up at him, unconsciously licking her lips. When he kissed her, it was gentle, barely touching her lips at all. He tickled and tantalized her mouth, and she parted her lips, inviting him to kiss her deeper. But he didn't. Instead he raised his head and looked at her questioningly. 

"Is this ok?" 

She nodded eagerly. 

"Are you sure? I just want to kiss you…"

She nodded again, and pulled his head down to hers. She just wanted to be kissed. Spike remained gentle and imploring. His mouth wasn't demanding, and it wasn't questioning, but he invited her to control the pace and the mood. Buffy was happy to just melt against him and enjoy the sweet kisses. 

Desire uncurled in their bellies, and it occurred to both of them that there could be much, much more. Spike grew hard at the thought, but they both did their best to ignore the every real evidence of his need for her. Just being close to each other was enough, and neither of them pushed for more. 

Spike knew he could spent eternity like this, just drinking her in. He had absolutely no desire to stop, and neither did she. But finally, after what must have been hours, she broke away. 

"It's getting late," she whispered then smiled, "or early." 

"You ready to call it a night?" Spike asked. 

"I'm ready to go home with you. My legs are all rubbery and I'm a little light headed." 

"So much for Slayer stamina." 

She hit his arm lightly, "Hey, I've had a long day." 

"Does that mean you just want to go to sleep?"

Buffy's smile was slow and sultry and hit him in the gut. "No, but I wanna go to bed." 

Spike smiled and motioned for her to walk ahead of him. He didn't want her to see just how nervous the prospect of "going to bed" made him. He wanted her, that he couldn't deny and wouldn't deny. But just because he wanted her didn't mean he _deserved_ her. Especially after…

Spike sighed, this particular demon would never leave him. With or without a soul the memory of that night would haunt him for the rest of his days. She may be singing a new tune, with words of trusts and apologies, but that didn't wipe away the pain of the past. Nothing could. 

Buffy excused herself to the shower, "to get rid of the demon goo" as soon as they reached the house, leaving Spike to stand hesitantly in the bedroom, uncertain of where he belonged. It was clear that Buffy wanted him, but that was never really the question. She had always wanted him on some level. 

The question was, did she love him? He didn't want to start sleeping with her again without the love, because, well, that way lay destruction and madness. He sighed. No, having sex was not a good idea. When Buffy entered the room again, Spike was stretched out on the floor with a blanket and a pillow. 

"What are you doing?" Buffy asked.

"Getting some sleep," Spike answered. 

"No, I mean, I thought we were…"

"What?" Spike asked.

"You know. I thought, I thought you wanted to…" 

  
Spike lifted an eyebrow, waiting patiently for her to spit it out.

"I thought you wanted to make love," she finally said. 

"Make love?" Spike asked. 

"Well, yeah, after the kissing and everything…." Buffy looked so uncertain and confused that Spike just wanted to gather her up in his arms. 

"Buffy," he said gently, "I can't. Not again, not like this."

"Oh." 

"I never stopped loving you, and I'll always want you, Buffy, but I can't do this again. Not when you don't feel the same about me as I feel about you." 

"I understand," she said quietly, and Spike could see that she really did. She perched on the edge of the bed, and looked at him, as though she wanted to say something. He gazed at her, waiting for her to decide whatever it was on her mind. 

She took a deep breath, "I understand, and I do feel the same about you as you feel about me."


	11. Flowers in Full Bloom

Chapter 11—Flowers in Full Bloom

To say Spike was shocked would be an under statement. He opened his mouth several times to say…something. But he closed it again when he couldn't force any sound past his throat. 

"You look like a fish," Buffy observed. 

Spike didn't even hear her. Did she really just say what he thought she said? Finally he found the one word that would work the best. "What?" 

"You look like a fish? Oh, the other thing. Right. Spike, I…" She sighed, "Ok this is really hard to say. But I'm going to say it. I love you." 

"You…love me?" 

She nodded. "I do, Spike." 

"Are you sure?"

She smiled, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Now come up here." But Spike didn't move. "Fine, I'll come down to you." 

Buffy settled on the floor next to him. "You look pretty shocked." 

"I am," Spike choked out. He kept replaying her words in his mind over and over, turning them over, examining them, approaching them from different angles. He was shocked, and he didn't quite believe her. 

While he sat in shocked silence, she nuzzled his neck, reveling in his soft skin, that smelt slightly of soap and leather. She snuggled close to him, and he automatically wrapped an arm around her. 

"You feel good," she sighed, delighted to be close to him. And oh god, he felt better than good. Tight, strong, _safe_. 

"You too," he mumbled. Warm, lean yet soft, _safe_. "Love you, Buffy. But I'm…"

"You're what, Spike?"

_I'm scared. I'm scared because you aren't supposed to love me, Slayer. You aren't supposed to love me, or want me, or protect me from the ones coming after me, because I don't have a soul. Right? _Right?

"You're what, Spike?" She prompted gently. 

I'm confused. I'm confused about what you want from me, and about what the First wants with me, and what am I supposed to do about Wood? And here you are, cuddling into my arms, and I don't know what to do about it, or if I should do anything.

I'm angry. Why can you love me now and not last year? What's so different? Beatings and hate, incriminations, accusations, love…what's so different now? 

"Overwhelmed," he finally muttered.

She laughed a little. "Me too."

Spike knew he should be elated, overjoyed, but each second brought more churning emotions and bad memories. Anger, disgust, confusion, self-loathing, broken dreams, false hopes, and here she was in her arms, and things kept racing through his mind and suddenly he thought he was going to burst. He would explode in a harsh reds and hazy yellows, bright oranges and he would rage at her for….for what? Loving him? 

Maybe that was enough. She certainly hated him for having the audacity, the amazing arrogance, to love her. And she wasn't shy about hurting his feelings. She didn't hide the black hate lurked just beneath the surface, an ugly twisted monster that could destroy him. Destroy them both.

"Spike? Spike what's wrong?" 

He had vamped without realizing it, and now she was tense, naturally preparing for a fight. Maybe that was the problem. Their instincts, their most basic parts, longed for blood and destruction.

Spike shook his head, and the vampire visage faded away. 

"Nothing." Spike jumped to his feet, leaving the startled slayer on the floor. "Absolutely nothing is wrong." 

"I've only seen you pace like that when you're angry," she observed quietly. 

"Well, maybe I'm angry then." 

Buffy stood up slowly, weighing her options carefully. She knew it would be easy to match his anger with her own. It would be too easy, and it would probably result in poor pain that either could handle or deserved. She could try the mature thing and speak to him calmly…but she hadn't really done anything like that before. However, she knew instinctually that she would set the tone of the night, and maybe their lives, with her response. 

Keeping her voice as calm as possible, she asked him why he was angry. 

He stared at her and she watched his blue eyes shift and turn, unnamed emotions careening inside of him. She kept her eyes even with his, hoping that she appeared patient and not bitchy. She held her arms straight at her sides, instead of crossing them in front of her defensively. 

"Buffy," he started, and then stopped. His mouth opened and closes as though he was trying to force sound past his lips, but couldn't. 

"Is it something I said? Something I did? Is it Wood?" 

"Yes…no…maybe, fuck Buffy. It hurts, ok?"

"What does?" 

"_Everything_. You are not supposed to love me, Slayer."

"I'm confused, Spike. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"It was," he admitted, "It still is. But that doesn't change the fact that you aren't _supposed_ to." 

"Why aren't I, Spike?" 

"The soul." 

The word dropped between them like a dead body. Buffy felt as though she had been punched in the gut, and Spike looked as though he had been punched in the gut. 

Spike waited for her to speak first. He may have just made an unforgivable blunder. He had just thrown her confession and their past in her face, and now, she may throw him out of the house. He wouldn't blame her. 

Finally she said softly, so softly that he barely caught it, "I was wrong." She took a step forward. "I was wrong about you last year, and I'm sorry."

He sighed, "You don't need to apologize to me. But Buffy…" He took a deep breath and shut his eyes. "I feel all fucked up." 

She slowly crossed the room and placed her hand on his arm. "Please, tell me Spike." 

"When I got the soul, everything was bright. Harsh. Every emotion, every thought, every regret, every love, it was magnified, it burned me. And now it's gone, and I feel all burned out. Like there's nothing left inside of me, nothing more to give. I feel empty. Except…"

"Except?" 

"Except when I'm with you," his voice cracked on the last word and he quickly glanced away. "And then…and then I feel _everything_ and I don't know if I can handle it, and I don't know what to do." 

She led him to the bed, and he sat down on the edge. "I don't know what to do," he repeated softly. 

Buffy ached to help, but she didn't know what to do either. Would he let her embrace him? "Spike, that's how I felt too." 

He looked at her, confused. 

"Last year," she said, "when I came back. I felt numb, I couldn't feel anything. Except, except when I was with you, and then I could feel everything. And it scared me, and I acted out." 

"We're quite a pair."  
  


"Yes, yes we are." 

"Buffy, I'm just scared of getting carried away and hurting you again. And I just can't take that risk." 

"Spike, do you trust me?" 

He nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment. 

"Lay down, Spike." 

He complied. She hovered over him, stroking his hair and face, running her fingers lightly across his cheeks. She bent forward and placed a gentle kiss on each eyelid.

"Spike, we don't have to do anything. We can just sleep, or we can talk, or we can do…whatever you want to do. But I want to help you." 

Spike held her against his body, using his free hand to smooth her hair back from her face. 

"Oh, Buffy. You don't need to do any more than you've already done." 

"Spike, we're partners now. We've got each other's backs," she leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips. "We take care of each other." 

"I'll take care of you," he vowed. "I've got your back." 

She kissed him again, her hair falling forward and tickling his face, but he didn't mind. He didn't notice anything but her lips on his. "I know you do," she whispered against his lips. "I love you." 

Buffy threw her leg over his waist, and straddled his hips. He reached down and pulled her shit up over her ribs, exposing her stomach and her breasts. His fingers lingered on her sensitive skin, and he traced tight circles on her sides, just missing her breasts. Before the kiss could deepen, Buffy sat up and pulled the shirt over her head. The bra quickly followed. 

"Is this ok?" She murmured.

Spike nodded, and his hands continued their exploration. Moonlight filtered through the curtain, and both were satisfied with the gentle caresses. She fell into him again, their lips touching, pulling back, then connecting. Spike was scared to do anything other than kiss her back and rub his hands up and down her back. Feeling her strength, her velvety softness, she felt like silk and flowers beneath his hands, and he groaned into her mouth. 

She smiled against his mouth, "Have we ever just made out before?" 

He chuckled, "No, not really. We usually just skipped right to the shagging." 

"Let's just do this for now, it's nice." 

"No…problem." 

He gripped her waist and held her against him, frightened to let her go, or lose any contact with her. He knew that the memories of last May were haunting both of them, tugging at their minds, trying to force them apart. But he couldn't let her go, and she wouldn't let him go. 

Buffy began to unzip Spike's pants, but he stopped her. "Not tonight, baby." 

She pouted, "Well, now I want to do more." 

He caught her bottom lip and bit it gently. "I can think of something to hold you over." Quickly, he flipped her over and slid his hand beneath her pants. "You're wet."

Buffy nodded, "Very." 

"You want me to touch you like this?" 

"Please," she breathed. 

He fingered her clit, and returned his attention to her mouth. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed against him, his mouth muffling her moans and pleas. But it was over quickly, her orgasm overtaking her in record time. She rocked against his hand, only partially satisfied, still craving _him_. 

"Been awhile Slayer?" 

"Hmmm mmmm." Buffy was already falling asleep, her arousal temporarily forgotten as the events of the night caught up with her. 

"Let's put you to bed." 

Spike stripped her of her pants, then lifted her in his arms long enough to pull the duvet down and lay her gently underneath. "Don't go," she muttered.

"I'm not going anywhere," he assured her. He crawled into bed and gathered her up in his arms, then wrapped his legs around hers. Her bum was pressed up against his still aroused cock, and he just knew that he wouldn't be getting any sleep that night. 

Despite that, he fell asleep quickly. The Slayer and her vampire stayed curled around each other like children, each holding the other possessively and lovingly. 

~*~

"I don't think Wood should patrol with us anymore," Kennedy stated, as they were getting ready for bed. The shouting from Buffy's room had finally stopped, and so sleep was an actual possibility. 

"Why not?" Willow asked. 

"He's dangerous." 

"More dangerous than Spike?" 

"I know, I know. I still don't _like_ the fact that we're living and working with a vampire, but I can respect Spike. He's good at what he does, and he won't get us killed."

"And you think Wood will?"

"He's so concerned with Spike that his number one priority is going after him, not watching his, or our, backs. I won't patrol with him anymore."

"Kennedy…"

"No, I'm telling Buffy tomorrow that I'll go or he does." 

Willow shrugged. "If that's what you think is best." 

"What did you think of Spike?"  
  


"When?"

"Tonight when Wood tried to fight him." 

"I think he did the right thing." 

"I think Wood better be careful. Spike will break him two." 

Willow looked thoughtful. "Spike could break him in two, but would he?" 

"I don't know," Kennedy answered honestly. "Come on, let's sleep. Spike worked us hard today, and I'm exhausted." 

~*~

The First lurked through the Summers house, watching everybody settle for the night. It was surprised and angry to find the vampire in bed with the Slayer. What the fuck did it have to do? No wonder Spike was confused by her mixed signals, the omniscient First was absolutely baffled. 

So far Its master plan to kill Spike in the most painful way possible—having the Slayer do it—was backfiring in a big way. The Slayer was _not_ supposed to love and protect a soulless monster. Hadn't that been settled the year before? Fuck!

It's contingency plan for the vampire was also backfiring. Wood was an absolutely incompetent idiot. Trying to take the vampire one on one, with the Slayer standing right there? Swell plan. Sending the little girls after him? Obviously there was the reason the First was the brains behind the operation, but it didn't matter if Wood went off and did his own stupid thing anytime he felt like it. 

And now to add insult to injury, all of the little girls were warming to him. Maybe It would have to kill them before It really wanted to. That damned vampire was causing more problems, from day fucking one. Angelus should have staked him when he had the chance. 

It was clear that the First couldn't use someone on the inside, close to the Slayer, to go after the vampire. It would have to bring in Its big guns. Oh well, it was time he come to town anyway.


	12. I Can't Believe

Chapter 12—I Can't Believe…

Angelus strolled through Sunnydale casually, reacquainting himself with the area. It was pretty much the same as last time, except there were fewer people. Much, much fewer people. They were abandoning the city like rats fleeing a sinking ship. Angelus loved the rich, intoxicating fear that permeated every corner of the town.

Angelus ignored the people that scurried past him, desperate to reach the sanctity and safety of their homes. There would be plenty of time later to hunt, but for now, he had to see a girl. 

He strolled through the cemeteries, hoping to catch her on patrol and off her guard. He didn't want to take her on at her house. She would have too much backup. It would be best to meet her alone, one on one. He didn't have time to play with her this time around. He had to get back to LA as soon as possible. 

Angelus heard her before he saw her, and instantly vamped out, fully becoming the dangerous predator he was. He prowled in the shadows, intent on finding her. He picked her heartbeat out of the chorus of the night, and followed it intently, his mind filled with blood red images of her death. So intent on the Slayer, that he completely missed her companion until he was nearly on top of them. 

"Oh, isn't this cozy?" 

Spike and Buffy broke apart quickly, both startled and on their guard. 

"It reminds me old times, when we used to play sucky-face in the cemetery. Does Spike make you want to die too?" 

"The First?" Buffy asked under her breath. 

Spike shrugged, stepped forward, and punched Angelus in the nose as hard as he could. The bone shattered beneath his fist, and blood gushed forward. "Nope, it's Peaches in the flesh." 

"You'll pay for that," Angelus growled, a right hook connecting solidly with Spike's eye. It instantly began to swell. Spike staggered back and grinned nastily.

"Angelus, ol' sod, how long have you been in town?" 

"Not long. I just have a small errand, than I'll be on my way." 

"Well, don't let us stop you." A solid kick to the stomach. 

"You never could, William." Angelus regained his footing, then sent Spike flying into the nearest mausoleum with deadly kick to the chest. 

Buffy wanted to rush over to Spike to check on him, but he was already pulling himself up to his feet. 

"What are you doing here?" She asked coldly.

"I came to see you of course. I mean, does a vampire need a reason to kill his favorite Slayer?" 

"So it's not a special occasion, then?" Buffy pulled her stake out of her jacket, hoping that she didn't look as sick as she felt. Spike stood behind her, silently offering her encouragement and strength. She knew that he wouldn't leave her, but she needed him to run and get Willow and Giles. The _one_ night they don't patrol with the others is the night she needs them the most. Just perfect. 

Angelus shrugged. "I'd say the night of your third death is a very special occasion. But before we start, you have to tell me what the hell you see in Spike. Need a bit of cold comfort? If you missed me, you could have just called, Buff." 

Spike tensed behind her and growled low in his throat. She reminded herself that he knew Angelus better than any of them, and he was too smart to give Angelus the reaction he was seeking. 

"You're not half the vampire he is."

Angelus's face twisted in anger, and he lunged. Both Buffy and Spike sidestepped his attack, and Buffy plowed her fist into his face, being sure to hit his broken nose. And suddenly, they were fighting in earnest.  

Spike stayed out of the way, stepping in only when she needed him too. She had several chances to stake Angelus, but she didn't take them. Spike tried not to think too much about that. She probably wanted to keep him alive so that they could return his soul somehow, though Spike thought the chances of that happening were slim to none. 

Finally, Buffy got the firm upper-hand. She had Angeles straddled, a stake over his heart. "Go get the rest!" She shouted.

"I'm not leaving," he insisted.

Angelus smirked, "He's such a gentleman."

"Shut. Up." Spike growled, and kicked him in the head. Then again and again until he was sure the poofter was out cold. 

"Was that last kick really necessary?" Buffy asked, standing up and wiping her hands.

"He's wily," Spike responded. "You should stake him while he's out." 

"I'm not going to stake him," Buffy said. 

"What? Why not?" 

"We can restore his soul." 

"We can, but why would we want to?" 

She sighed, "Because Angel doesn't deserve to die." 

"Buffy, how many times do we have to go through this? How many more times does he have to try to kill you?"

"Angel didn't try to kill me, Spike." 

"Well, the guy you are straddling wants to rip your head off. Call him Angel, Angelus, or the bloody, fucking Easter Bunny, he's still guilty." 

"If I kill him, Angel dies too. I can't do that." 

"Buffy, if you don't know by now that Angel and Angelus are the same…"

"They aren't," she insisted hotly. "The soul makes a difference. Angel is _good_." 

"I see." 

Buffy's eyes widened, "Spike, I didn't…"

Suddenly, he was all business. "Do you want to drag him back to the house? If we move fast, we can get him there before he wakes up." 

Buffy stood up, and examined the bleeding, unconscious vampire. "I'll call Willow and tell her we're on our way." 

"Yeah, you do that." Spike bent and lifted Angelus, putting him over his shoulder. "Jesus Christ, it's like carrying a small whale." 

"Willow? Well, is Willow there? Yeah, I need to talk to her, thanks….Willow, you'll never believe this. We have Angelus, can you get the soul spell ready?" She paused for a long time, impatience and frustration furrowing her brow. "Look, he's not going to be out forever. I don't care what you have to do, just do it." She flipped her phone closed then nodded to Spike. 

They set a brisk pace back to the house, Spike moving as fast as he could with all the extra weight. Buffy was concerned about his silence, but confident that once they got this mess straightened out, they would be able to talk and fix things. He couldn't stay mad at her forever, could he? 

They reached Revello Drive quickly. "We can chain him up in the basement," Buffy said, "While Willow gets the spell ready. Hopefully that'll be enough to hold him." 

"Whatever."  He wasn't surprised when he entered the house with Angel without needing an invitation. After all, why would it occur to Buffy to revoke the invitation to the psycho vampire trying to kill her? 

Willow was waiting for them in the basement, her supplies laid out before her, Kennedy hovering over her shoulder. "We're ready to…" 

  
She was interrupted by the sound of Angelus coming to. Without warning, Spike bashed Angel's head into the wall, stilling him again. Buffy closed her eyes briefly and winced. "What was that, Red?" Spike asked calmly, as though nothing had happened. 

"What's going on?" Kennedy asked. 

"We're ready to start," Willow said. 

"Is it something dangerous?" Kennedy asked. 

Willow shook her head, "Not really. The soul restoration is straightforward enough." 

Spike threw his burden onto the cot and chained him unceremoniously. 

"Why are we restoring his soul?"  Kennedy asked. "And not Spike's." 

Willow pursed her lips. "Because it's…complicated. Can you help me with this?"

"What do you need me to do?" 

"Just recite some Latin."

"Yeah, ok, I can do that." 

"Can I do anything to help?" Wood asked from the doorway. 

"Oh bloody hell!" Spike shouted, "What did you do? Move in?"

"Who is this?" Wood asked, ignoring Spike. 

"His name is Angel," Willow said, "and do you know anything about magic?" 

"Angel?" 

"Look," Buffy said, "We don't have time to explain. It'll be best if you go back upstairs." 

"I just want to help." 

"No, you just want to get underfoot," Spike muttered. Then louder, "He's secure." 

"Great, we're ready to start," Willow announced. "We need Giles though."

"I'll get him," Wood volunteered.

Spike sighed, spared one last look at Angel, then followed Wood up the stairs. 

"Was it chilly in here, or is just me?" Willow asked, nobody in particular. 

Kennedy nodded, "Sure was." 

"I'll explain later," Willow promised softly. 

Buffy watched Spike's retreating back, then with a matching sigh, marched up after him. "Spike? Where are you going?"  
  


"Out for a smoke." 

"Can you please stay? We might need you."

"I'm not going to be within 100 feet of that mojo," Spike announced. "What if the witch messes up?" 

"And what if we need you?"

"Buffy, I won't go far, ok?" 

"Buffy!" Willow yelled, "He's waking up!"

"I'm coming!" She sent a helpless glance to Spike, then hurried back to the basement. 

"You don't like him?" Wood observed.

"I don't like you." 

"Who is he?" 

"The old boyfriend."

"What's wrong with him?"

"I could write volumes." 

From below them, they could hear the ritual begin. Spike ignored it, though Wood seemed fascinated. He even moved towards the door. 

"I wouldn't go down there," he warned, "unless you want to turn into a toad. Hey, you know, on second thought…"

Wood backed off. Spike moved around the kitchen, filling a large bowl with hot water, looking for a clean washcloth, and getting the first-aid kit prepared. Buffy would need all these things to nurse Angel back to health. Willow grew louder and louder, the incantation rolling off of her tongue, and Spike's skin itched from the strong magical forces surrounding the house. 

Wood felt it too. "What's that?" He asked lowly.

Spike didn't answer. Instead, he was lost in the memories of that dark, smelly cave in Africa. Suddenly, he resented Angel more than ever. Rage burned deep in his chest, his vision clouded over with red. It would be so easy to rush down there, interrupt the spell, and stake the bastard. Ashes to ashes. 

  
So easy, and so very tempting. He could do it before anybody even noticed. Why should that bastard get so many fucking chances, when Spike had to work and work and work? 

_She loves you, you idiot. Get over it._ The voice was very reasonable, and had a very good point. But it was hard to hear over the anger careening around his head. Wood was either completely oblivious to Spike's inner-battle, or he wanted to use it to his advantage. 

"So you guys have a history?" 

Spike turned around, and focuses bright yellow eyes on Wood's blank face. "Yeah," he growled. 

  
Then suddenly, it was over. They were finished downstairs, the spell was cast, the curse was complete. Spike relaxed slightly, then gathered up his supplies. He thought about telling Wood to stay put, but fuck it. The more the merrier, right? 

"Is he all soulful?" Spike said as a greeting.

"We think so," Willow answered. "He's still unconscious, but you know, I felt it. It worked."

Spike handed the bowl and the kit to Buffy. "Figured you might want to clean up the blood." 

"Thank you, Spike." 

Spike stood against the wall and crossed his arms and watched as Buffy gently wiped the bloody from Angel's broken face and the gash in his head. Watching the way she treated him, it was like the past four years had never happened. Spike felt sick. It was in her body language, in her eyes, the smile on her face. Spike could read her better than anybody, and right now she looked very happy to have her Angel back. 

Willow and Giles noticed it too, and they both looked at Spike, worried and concerned. But Spike gave no outward indication of the pain or anger rolling through his body. He just looked on casually, waiting for her to finish so he could take the bowl and cloth back upstairs and escape. 

Spike was successful in masking his tumultuous emotions until she gently stroked Angel's hair. That was just too much. A strangled groan escaped before he could stop it, and he fled up the stairs and out of the house, not acknowledging her cries for him to stop.


	13. That I Believed

Chapter 13 …That I Believed 

Buffy didn't follow Spike out of the house. She watched him go, confused, uncertain, and angry. What was his problem? She understood that he hated Angel, but he of all people should understand….

"You should go after him," Giles said gently. 

  
Buffy spun around. "What?"

"Buffy, he's angry. And he's completely without restraint. There's not telling what he could do."

"He won't do anything."

"How can you be certain?"

He of all people should understand the importance of a soul. 

"I can't," she whispered. "But I can't go after him." 

"He's still triggered, Buffy, and…" 

Buffy looked up at her watcher, her eyes shining with emotion. "Giles, I don't know what to do. I'm torn." 

  
He frowned and waited for her to continue. She was silent for several minutes, her eyes trained on the back yard, as though she expected him to return any second. "I told him we couldn't kill Angel because the soul makes a difference."

"It does, Buffy."

She shook her head. "That's what I told him last year too."

"Buffy, I…"

"I'm going to check on Angel." 

When she returned to the basement, she noticed Willow and Kennedy studying Angel closely. "Is he ok?"

Willow jumped and turned around. "Yeah, we think he's fine. He's already healing. How's Spike?"

"He ran away." 

"And you didn't go after him?" Both women asked in unison. 

"I can't chase after him every time he runs off," Buffy said quietly. "As he is so fond of pointing out, I'm not his keeper." 

"I don't know Buffy, I mean, you didn't see his face when he…"

"Bolted," Kenned provided. "He looked pretty bad." 

"Buffy, if you want to go, we can keep an eye on Angel," Willow said gently. 

"And what am I supposed to say if I chase after him?" _What if I don't catch him? What if I have to watch him leave again? What if he doesn't want to hear what I have to say? What if I _finally_ pushed him away for good?_

"Apologize? I'm not surprised he's hurt, Buffy. When you were taking care of Angel, you looked pretty…"

"Pretty what?" Buffy demanded. 

"In love," Kennedy said bluntly. 

"What? But I'm not! I'm not in love with Angel!" Buffy exclaimed. "Why would he think that?" 

"Maybe you should ask him." 

"Buffy?" Angel croaked. "Buffy? What am I doing here?" 

Buffy hurried over to his side. "Hey, you. How are you feeling?" 

"I have a headache. Buffy, did Angelus….?"  
  


"We stopped you in time." Both of them noticed that Buffy did not refer to Angelus as a separate person. 

"Why am I here?"  
  


"To kill me. You know, the usual." 

"I see," Angel said slowly. "Do you know _why_?"

She shrugged, "For fun?" 

"What did you to do to my head?"

"_I_ didn't do anything. Spike bashed your heads a few time. Wanted to make sure you didn't wake up." 

"Spike?" Angel squinted, trying to remember if he remembered Spike. "Why were you with Spike?" His face cleared. "Hey, wait a minute. Why were you _kissing_ Spike?" 

Buffy licked her lips nervously and glanced at Kennedy and Willow. Neither seemed particularly surprised by the revelation. "Can we have some privacy?" 

"Sure, no problem." Willow grabbed Kennedy's arm and dragged her up the stairs. 

"Angel…"

"Are you _with_ Spike?" 

"Yes," she said softly. 

"Do you love him?" 

"I do." 

"What? Buffy, how? He doesn't have a soul."

And suddenly, Buffy wanted to scream. She wanted to yell and shout and throw things against the wall and find Spike and run away and never, ever say that word again. Instead she said simply, "He did. It's gone now."

"Like my curse?"

"No," Buffy spat. "Not a _curse_. He earned it, and it was stolen from him." 

"Maybe it's the head trauma, but I'm confused." 

"Yeah, well, join the club." 

~*~

Once Spike escaped the house, he didn't know what to do with himself. He had nowhere to go. He forced himself to calm down, to try to look at the situation rationally and objectively, but the pain kept clouding his judgment. 

The facts were pretty straight forward, in his opinion. How could she hold him and love him so gently one night, and then look at Angel with such…_devotion_…the next night? How he could she tell him that the soul mattered? That it made you _good_? What was he supposed to think? 

Spike knew he had to go back. He was helping Buffy with the slayerettes. The First still had "plans" for him. He had promised to stay and help her fight, and regardless of what happened, he meant it. He wouldn't abandon her to fight this thing by herself. Not if he could help in any way. 

But he couldn't go back right away. Not until Angel had left, at least. That thought brought him up short. What if Angel decided to stay and help fight? Then Buffy wouldn't need him anymore. She may even want him to leave. 

_But she loves you! _ 

Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe Angel would always be the first one in her heart, and if he wanted to be with her, he would just have to learn to deal with that. But it shouldn't be that way. Spike knew that he could never accept that, not really. 

Spike spent the rest of the night working through his aggression. He hit nests of sleeping demons, he patrolled dark allies looking for vampires, and he even picked fights at the Alibi Room. Every face he pummeled, every bone he snapped, every neck he broke, every heart he staked, belonged to Angel. 

"Hey, hey Spike," Willy said after Spike cleaned the joint out. "No one will come here anymore if you keep killing my customers." 

"Shut up Willy." 

"Well, sure thing Spike. I didn't mean to make you mad, I was just saying…" 

"Give me the usual." 

"Spike, your tab is kinda high." 

Spike grabbed Willy's shirt and pulled him halfway across the bar. "Give. Me. My. Drink."

"Right, right. No problem." 

Willy scurried behind the bar like a rat, giving Spike the full bottle of alcohol, not even bothering with a shot glass. Spike accepted it without comment, but he set it down on the bar, not touching it. He lost interest in the drink, and slammed out of the bar, leaving broken tables and demon corpses in his wake. 

Spike was forced to return to Buffy's house when he realized that it was nearly dawn, and he had no where to hide for the day. He supposed there was a chance that she didn't want him there anymore. She may have even gone so far as to make Willow do the uninvited spell. But that was a chance he simply had to take, if he didn't want to be baked to a crisp. 

Mindful of the sleeping bodies littering the house, he didn't slam the kitchen door when he entered. He could hear Buffy and Angel downstairs, their voices low and muffled. He swallowed hard, and placed his ear against the door, straining to catch every word. 

"Angel, I know you want to stay, but they need you in LA." 

"I think you need me here more." 

"No, Angel, I don't need you here at all. I don't need you anymore." 

"Why? Because you have Spike?" 

"Yes, because I have Spike. I love him, Angel." 

Spike backed away from the door, his legs suddenly rubbery. He decided he would wait for her upstairs in the bedroom—their bedroom. If nothing else, they needed to get some sleep after the events of the night. 

He had just stripped his clothes off and stretched out on the bed when she opened the door. 

"Oh, you came back." 

"Yeah. You didn't think I would?"

"I didn't know," she admitted. 

"I had some things to work out." 

"I'm glad you came back, Spike." 

He patted the bed next to him, and she lay down without removing her clothes. She smelt like Angel, but he didn't say anything. 

"You're good without one."

"Hmmm?"

"The soul. You're good without the soul. But Angel…Angel is different." 

"I'm sorry I ran out." 

She shook her head. "No, I'm glad you did. It made me think about stuff. But I was worried…"

"Buffy, I wouldn't leave you to fight the First and train the girls by yourself. No matter what. And I'll never stop loving you." 

"Did you get hurt tonight?"

"No, but we're both filthy. Let's go shower." 

Buffy considered it. "It'll save hot water for the rest of them if we shower together." 

Spike nodded, "Time too. We can be done before anybody else wakes up. Plus, I'll be able to get that hard to reach spot on your back." 

Buffy stood up and undressed, slowly removing her soiled clothes, than shyly covered herself with her arms. "Catch me if you can."

Spike jumped up quickly, his dick already hard. He grabbed her from behind, and buried his face in her neck, nibbling gently on the skin. "Got you." 

"Whatcha gonna do with me?"

He chuckled lightly, "Wash your back." 

  
They stumbled into the bathroom, trying to turn on the water as they kissed, their hands blindly seeking the water faucet. Finally, they both stepped into the tub, under the stinging hot shower spray. 

Spike lost no time, immediately grabbing the loufa and a bar of soap. He ran the sponge over her back, soaping it thoroughly, then dropped it. He massaged her neck, back, and shoulders, attacking each knot and thoroughly working it out. 

"This feels so good," she moaned. "Oh my god, where did you learn how to do that?"

"Just naturally talented, I guess." 

His hands slid lower and cupped her buttocks, stroking and massaging her cheeks. She relaxed against him, unable to support her own weight. He was making all of her muscles feel like rubber. She nearly jumped out of the shower when she felt him slide one soap-slicked finger into her anus. 

"What are you doing?" She gasped.

"Does it hurt?"

"No." Her voice was high and breathy. "Not at all." 

He slid his finger in and out of her slowly, until she had completely relaxed again. Once she got used to it, he slid a second finger into her. "Spike!" 

"Shhh. Don't want to wake up the whole house. Put your hands up and brace yourself against the wall. That's it, spread your legs open." She complied, already too lost to the whirlwind of desire to question or protest. 

Without slowing his left hand, he slid his right index finger into her pussy, seeking out and then finding her g-spot. He thrust his fingers into her rhythmically until her muscles contracted around him, and she exploded under the cascade of water. 

"Oh god," she breathed. "It's been a long time." 

Spike chuckled and removed his fingers. She felt very empty, and suddenly wanted him inside of her more than she ever wanted anything. 

Spike dropped to his knees behind her. "Now what are….oh Jesus." 

His tongue had simply replaced his fingers. He was licking her, lapping at her, thrusting inside of her, and it seemed he was everywhere at once. Who knew that heaven was Spike's tongue? It occurred to her that he shouldn't put his mouth _there_, that his tongue shouldn't slip between her cheeks and swirl around until she was gasping for breath. She also wondered why they had never done this before. It was mind blowing. 

Buffy climaxed again, harder and longer this time. She would have collapsed if Spike hadn't had wrapped his arms around her waist, supporting her weight. 

"Spike? I need to sit down." 

"Just let me finish washing you," he murmured. "I'm almost done." 

'Just washing' morphed into an amazing sexual experience that Buffy had never even imagined before. Each touch was designed to stimulate her, make her shake, make her ache to her very core for him. He didn't just use his clever hands and fingers to wring pleasure and lust from every pore; he used his entire body. And yet, he never gave her want she really wanted. 

"Alright Slayer, you're all clean." 

She couldn't help but be disappointed that this was all over. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, now I get to dry you off." His voice was low, silky, full of promise, and she shivered, goose bumps covering her body. 

"What about you? Don't I get to wash you?" 

"Maybe later, pet." 

She turned around, facing him, and wrapped her arms around his neck. She found his mouth, and kissed him hard. He broke away from her and smiled. "Let me take you to bed." 

"Yeah, ok, good." 


	14. Stars Fall Silent

Chapter 14—Stars Fall Silent

Buffy fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Which was fine with Spike. He knew she had had a long night, and she needed her rest. The shower adventure was his not so subtle way to ensure that she would fall asleep quickly. It was also his tried and true defense mechanism. 

He realized that he was falling into last year's pattern. Make love to her, make her come, make her scream, to prove that she needs him. If he could do those things, she'll keep him around because nobody else could pleasure her like he could. As long as he was completely devoted to her in every way, she wouldn't leave him. Only, that didn't work before and he had no reason to believe it would work now. But he didn't know what else to do. How else could he convince her not to go with Angel, other than showing her all the things she'd lose if she left? 

Spike knew he should sleep, but instead he watched her. She looked…content. Which, for the moment, was more than enough for Spike. 

"You should have just kept going last night." 

Spike tensed and vamped. Angel stood in the doorway, arms crossed, looking casual and slightly bored. 

"Why did you come back?" He asked. 

"You know why." Spike extended all of senses, feeling an undercurrent of panic. Was he talking to Angel or the First? There really was no way to tell. 

"She wouldn't have even noticed, you know. I'm more than enough to keep her happy." 

Spike rolled his eyes. "Right, because you guys were so insanely happy before." 

Angel morphed, and suddenly, Spike was looking at himself. "You know that you've never made her happy. Except when she closes her eyes and pretends it's Angel with his tongue lodged up her…"

"Get out," Spike growled. 

"No, I don't think I'm going anywhere. We have so much lost time to make up for, don't we? We're old mates, you and me. So, what's the latest gossip?"  
  


"Buffy, Buffy love, wake up." 

The First looked over at Buffy with disinterest. "She won't be waking up anytime soon." 

"What did you do to her?" 

"Nothing. The poor girl is just exhausted after her night with Angel." 

"Get out." He knew the words wouldn't have any effect, but he was completely powerless. 

"Does Buffy like lullabies? How about old folk songs? Do you ever sing to her?" The First asked casually. 

Spike narrowed his eyes, but otherwise didn't respond. Next to him, Buffy stirred but remained asleep. 

"Don't you think it's time to teach her one? Here, I'll get you started. _Early one morning, just as the sun was rising…_" 

Spike howled and jumped off the bed, his eyes darting around wildly, muscles bulging, his face contorted with a primal hunger. 

"Why don't you wake up the Slayer?" The First suggested. 

Spike pounced on the sleeping girl, ready to tear her throat out. She would be dead before she even had a chance to open her eyes. Her hot, sweet blood gliding down his throat, singing through his veins. After he was through with her, he could take all the sweet, succulent little girls.

The First morphed again. "That's my guy," she said approvingly. "Do it." 

Spike roared, and this time Buffy heard him. She opened her eyes, confusion and fear chasing the sleepiness away. "Spike?" She didn't wait for a response, instead, she pushed him off with her hands and feet. For a brief second, she had a startling flashback to the last time she had to push him off like that. 

Spike flew across the room and landed on  his ass, but he didn't stay down for long. He rebounded immediately and charged, barely giving Buffy enough time to stand and brace herself for the renewed attack. She knew from experience that it would do no good to try to talk to him, so she prepared to simply hold him off until she could get some help. 

Their fight was like a bizarre parody of their former battles. Spike lunged for her without grace or style, intent only on bashing and killing. There was no flair, just mindless destruction. Buffy didn't fight back. All of her moves were defensive, designed to keep him away without actually harming him. She called for Willow, Giles, the girls, anybody and it was long before they all burst into the room. 

"Chains!" Buffy shouted. 

"Do you want any weapons?" Xander asked.

"Something to knock him out," Buffy answered as she ducked one of his punches and dodged a kick. 

Xander rushed out and returned with a large axe. "This is all I could find."

"It'll do." She ducked and dodged as she worked her way over to the door. As soon as she got the axe, she swung the blunt side in a large arc and connected squarely with Spike's head. He fell like a ton of bricks. 

"What happened?" Willow asked.

"The First. Triggered him while I was asleep." She held up her hand when everybody opened their mouths to speak. "Don't say it. Where are the chains?" 

"Right here," Giles said. "Should I tell Angel to clear out of the basement?" 

Oh fuck. She had completely forgotten about Angel. "Um, yeah. I guess it will be best to chain him up downstairs." 

Within ten minutes, Spike was safely chained to a wall, and they were all gathered in the basement, studying the unconscious vampire carefully. 

  
"We have to do something about this now," Buffy answered. "Right now." 

"I agree, Buffy, but I don't know what we can do."

"Haven't you guys been researching?" 

"We have," Dawn answered, "But it's hard because we don't know what kind of mind control we're looking for." 

"What's going on?" Angel asked. 

"The First has triggered Spike to attack. We didn't know if the trigger still worked, but apparently it does. We have to find a way to break it." 

"Do you know what the trigger is?" 

"We think it's a song. I heard it right before he went berserk last time and bit Andrew."

"What song?"  
  


"Uh….all I can remember is _early one morning_. I didn't recognize it though. Can you help them look? I mean, if you can't stick around, it's cool…"

"No, no, I'll help," Angel promised. 

"Great." 

  
She turned her attention to the rest of the crowd. "This has just become our number one priority. We need Spike to fight, and we need him for your training, and we'll need him for the final battle. That means we can't be worried about this stupid trigger anymore. _All_ of you are on research duty. Giles and Dawn will tell you want to do." 

There was some grumbling, but everybody trooped upstairs, ready to do whatever the watcher told them to do. Even Angel. Buffy was the only one left behind in the basement. She sat down on the cot next to him and waited for him to wake up. Hopefully he would be normal, and she wouldn't have to knock him out again. 

She didn't have to wait for long.

"It happened again." Not a question, just a bleak statement in the dark room. 

"Yeah," she said softly. "Do you remember anything? We're researching, but we need all the details we can get."

"It talked to me a bit," Spike said softly. "Standard evil stuff, you know? Then it started singing…"

"I knew it!" Buffy announced, triumphantly. "I knew it was the song."

"Yes, well, you're very clever."

"We can fix this, Spike." 

"I think you should have just staked me the first time I told you too." 

"There will be no staking. They're researching right now, Spike." 

"And you think they'll figure it all out?"

"I do." 

"Don't you have to go to work today?" 

Buffy shook her head. "The end of the world is coming, I'm quitting." 

"Does that mean he'll stop coming over?"   
  
Buffy nodded. "Yeah, I'm going to tell him he's not part of the team anymore." 

"Why?"

"Kennedy told me about an interesting conversation she had with Wood the other night. I'm tired of his shit." 

"Took you long enough." 

They lapsed into silence. Then finally Spike asked. "What if they can't find anything?" 

Buffy shook her head, "That's not an option." 

"Buffy, it won't happen just because you _say_ so." 

"No, we need you. I need you. I'm not going to let the First take you from me. Not now. Do you need anything?"   
  


Spike shook his head. "I'm good." 

Only, he wasn't, and Buffy knew it. She excused herself from the basement, explaining she needed to check on their progress, call Wood, and get herself something to eat. She wanted to stay with him, but she didn't know what to do. After what happened last night…oh, she knew what he was doing in the shower. Buffy may not be the smartest girl in the world, but she wasn't stupid, and she understood Spike. 

He was trying to please her, trying to prove he loved her, begging her to not kick him out cuz look at all the tricks he could do. Did she like it? Was she pleased? Would she want more? Just call if she did! How can he be so arrogant and so uncertain of himself at the same time? Was that her fault?  
  


Well, probably. Didn't she train him that way with the standard reward and punishment system? Of course she did, and now she had to untrain him somehow. She had to prove to him that she really didn't just need for his body or his skills as a lover. She honestly, truly genuinely _loved_ him. He didn't need to doubt her. 

She had to dial the phone five times before she had the courage to talk to Principal Wood. It wasn't every day she quit a job she desperately needed. But she had a feeling that after the big fight went down, there wouldn't be a job for her to go back to anyway. In the end though, she didn't quit. Just took the rest of the week off. 

"I know, I'm a big coward." 

Buffy checked on Spike, and found he was asleep. Good. Sleeping was good. She was contemplating what her next move should be when she heard a shout from upstairs. "Buffy! Get up here!"

She ran up the stairs, two at a time, and burst into the kitchen. "What? What is it?" 

"I think I found something," Amanda said excitedly. 

Giles nodded, "It's quite interesting. Here, Buffy, have a look." 

Buffy scanned the open book they handed to her, and then looked up, a blank look on her face. "Splainy?" 

Giles sighed, "We can untrigger him using this spell. The First is probably using a traumatic moment in Spike's life to disturb his psyche. This spell will pinpoint that exact moment and force Spike to face whatever it is that is still effecting him." 

"So we're going to dig up a deep-seated, disturbing, traumatic memory and force Spike to deal with his demons?" Buffy asked. 

"Basically." 

"And you think this will work?"

"I think this has to work, Buffy, because we don't have any other choice." 

"When should we do it?" Kennedy asked. 

"Now. Giles, Willow, get whatever you need together. I'll go down and explain it to Spike. During the actual spell, I want all of you guys up here. We don't know what will happen. The only people downstairs will be me, Giles, Willow, and Xander." 

"We'll need about thirty minutes," Willow said. 

"Perfect. I'll see you downstairs then." 

Spike was less than enthused about the idea. Buffy got the feeling that he knew exactly what moment the spell would call forward, but he wasn't offering any details. 

"Spike, I know this is personal, and you don't have to tell me, but I want to help you." 

Honestly, Spike did want to tell her. Buffy had been different this past month. She had been trying very hard to shape their relationship into something worth having, and he appreciated all of her efforts. He knew her well enough to know how difficult it was for her to reach out like that. But how could he explain what happened in a way that she would understand? A part of him couldn't help but believe that she would only see him as a sick monster. And maybe that's all he was. 

He sighed, "I've done a lot of horrible things, Buffy. But there's one thing…" 

She made small, encouraging noises, and he gathered his nerve to continue. 

"Shortly after Drusilla turned me, I returned to my house. My mother was very…ill. Tuberculosis. I wanted to save her. I wanted to keep her safe and happy forever." 

"So you turned her." 

Spike nodded, lowering his eyes. He had no desire to see the shock and revulsion on her face. 

"What happened?" 

"She said some things. Things that have been weighing on me for a long time. We fought. She was the first person I turned and the first vampire I staked." His voice was low and even, but Buffy knew that there were many raw emotions just below the surface. "Early One Morning was her favorite song," he added. 

"Spike, I'm sorry you have to go through that again. I really, really am. But there's nothing else…"

He held up her hand. "It's ok, Buffy. I understand." 

"We're ready!" Willow announced at the top of the stairs. "How about you two?"

"Yeah," Spike said softly, "we're ready." 

Buffy clasped Spike's hand. "I'll be right here. Don't worry." 

He spared her a small smile, then turned his attention to the party that just entered the basement. "Let's go." 

The spell was rather straightforward, nothing that Giles and Willow couldn't handle in their sleep. A few words in Latin, a few in Greek, and some muttering in a language Spike didn't recognize. The standard smoking incense and supplications to the Powers for guidance and then **_wam_**. 

The whole basement was full of blinding white light, but it was centered on Spike. He screamed as the light pierced is skin and came out through his eyes and mouth. Buffy yelled Spike's name, but it was lost, the light as loud as it was bright. Then as quickly as it had started, it was over. 

Spike lay on his cot, unconscious again, blood leaking out of his eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. 

"What just happened?" Buffy asked, frantically. 

"I…I don't know," Willow answered shakily. 

"We won't know if it worked until he wakes up," Giles stated. 

_If he wakes up_, Buffy added silently. She had never seen the vampire look so pale. "We'll need blood for him when he wakes up." 

"Right," Willow said, "I'll get on that."

"Thank you." 

His eyes fluttered and a low, anguished moan escaped his lips, but otherwise, Spike didn't stir. 

"I guess now, all we can do is wait." 


End file.
